Tricked a 5 year old into saying he's my boyfriend today, so yeah, things are coming together.

Once in a while I like to shake things up a bit by putting too much makeup on. Really keeps people on their toes about your mental stability

You know you're really into someone when you'd consider dating them regardless of their blackberry.

All anyone ever seems to talk about is how much they love being active&fit. All I want to talk about is eating pizza laying down hung-over.

Looking at our bar tab from yesterday and I think you should only have to pay for what you can remember.

Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What's up?

Life is fickle; have a pickle.

A neighbor has built a fort of wine boxes on his lawn.
And I don't blame him.
Sometimes that's the only thing left that makes sense.

I love people who have whole conversations in their heads and then share a completely out-of context cryptic summary.
Keep up the good work!

Just once in my life I would love to know what it feels like to not have thighs that touch.

I need alcohol or a nap. Either or.

'I love you more' -'no, I love you more!!' - 'nooo, I love yoou moore!' - 'noooooo, I love you more!!!'

-me and my bed, every night.

Turns out, some 15 years later I still get a 'Dana Scully' kick out of putting on latex gloves.

Sometimes I feel like I love my bed so much that it feels stupid for anyone or anything to ever try to compete with it.

If I had to be a fruit I'd be red bull and vodka.

Now hiring fake boyfriend to accompany me on my trip home to Finland.
Being able to hold liquor a plus.

I think it is time to crank some Ani DiFranco again.

Has the person who invented coffee received the Nobel peace prize yet, or what?!

Looking at footage of yourself from 10 years ago, is probably never advisable.
Particularly not if you were skinnier and less in debt then.

Don't tell me I don't know anything about having a sick child. I just dropped my iPhone in the toilet, so yah. I know what it's like.