As soon as my check gets here from Nigeria you can all kiss my ass.

Yes young guy, I’m “lame” for not doing 15 shots, but I CAN find your girl’s G-spot after you pass out in your vomit. #ExperienceWinsAgain

Not sure what's tougher, trying to get my wife pregnant or convincing her she needs to be handcuffed to my secretary for it to happen.

"They were all so horny & constantly masturbating, why didn't they actually bang each other?" - Aliens reviewing Twitter after the takeover.

Ass joke. Cock joke. Pussy joke. Cock joke. Tits joke. Inspirational quote....wtf, who is THIS asshole? #ReadingMyTimeline

I put my pants on the same way as everyone else on Twitter: rarely and screaming vulgarities in protest. #Fact

I may send a female follower a cock pic if I like her. If I don't like her, I send an extreme close-up of my scrotum. #NobodyLikesAScrotum

Dear kid who caught me checking out your Mom's ass in the grocery store, Do you know if she does anal?

If monkey really do what monkey see, then zookeepers are some dickjerkin', turdflingin' maniacs.

Things you claim are accidental but NEVER are: Unfollowing, paying the rent late, really really drunk attempted anal with the wife. #Fact

Based on my current situation, tweeting while pooping will soon eclipse baseball as our national pastime. This rocks.

I prefer to think that monkeys throwing poop at each other have exhausted all other possible negotiations, and this is their last resort.

I think all women are beautiful except the uggos and the fatties. Oh, and the old ones.

Every time a bell rings, I grab the kid who rang it & shove that bell as far up his little ass as it will go. Mescaline and bells don't mix.

Ladies, not kissing on the first date earns you a place both in my heart and on a milk carton.

If I said you had a beautiful body, would it soften the blow when I also say you're a vapid psychobitch I never want to see again?

"All virtue is summed up in dealing justly. Also, bitches be crazy." -- Aristotle, 338 B.C.

I put my pants on like everyone else. Quietly, while she pretends to still be asleep. We all have roles to play in a one-night stand.

Almost to 250 followers. That would be 10 full short buses to hell. #PantsOptionalAndFrownedUpon

If I ever win the lottery I hope it doesn't change me as a person. I hope it changes all of you assholes.