Yes young guy, I’m “lame” for not doing 15 shots, but I CAN find your girl’s G-spot after you pass out in your vomit. #ExperienceWinsAgain

I put my pants on the same way as everyone else on Twitter: rarely and screaming vulgarities in protest. #Fact

Off for awhile. Press your tongues against each other in a desperate, angered attempt at filling the emptiness with orgasms until I return.

Something about a jar of pickles, Juan Antonio Samaranch and naked Roshambo. You figure it out, we're all dying anyway. #HipsterComedian

My #FF list could beat up your #FF list. Mine has nicer tits, too.

For Earth Day I'm going to brutally murder 25 hipsters. What are YOU doing to make the Earth happy?

You know what they say: "Payback's a wife."

A suppressed gag reflex counterbalances a whole shitpot of nagging and bitchiness. #TipsForLadies

I'm throwing a load in your hair like I just don't care. OK, not "like;" I really don't care. Wander into my alley, you take your chances.

My penis is a Montague. Your epiglottis is a Capulet. Let’s allow these star-crossed lovers to be together forever.

Ladies, if you're wearing THAT much perfume I can only assume it's to cover a vag stench in the "rotting turkey carcass" milieu.

If you DM me something inspirational I'll envision your charred remains decomposing in a distant wood & jerk into an oven mitt. #FairWarning

Rules were made to be broken. Just like hymens.

"They were all so horny & constantly masturbating, why didn't they actually bang each other?" - Aliens reviewing Twitter after the takeover.

In my threesome fantasies, my wife won't blow me and yells at me for doing everything wrong. The best fantasies keep it real, yo.

During a fight I always push my wife into a door, so when she tells the cops the bruises came from walking into one she's not lying, per se.

Every time a bell rings, I grab the kid who rang it & shove that bell as far up his little ass as it will go. Mescaline and bells don't mix.

"Sure, if it means I can put my dick in you." -- Inside every man's head, answering every question any woman has ever asked.

I'd rather legally change my name to Cumstain Cathy than watch Dancing With The Stars. #RandomWeirdButTrueThought

"I'd handcuff you to the bed, read passages from 'Pet Cemetery' and giggle uncontrollably." -- My "Dating Game" answer. (Got kicked off)