Secret to twitter is: tweet like your an alcoholic, Nympho, homeless person on Xanax but have a sweet side & be proficient in grammar.

Anyone realize Dora is always lost every episode? Why is their no Amber alert for her? Is it because she's Mexican?

Despite what ladies think, guys prefer a woman with curves over a skinny girl with no shape. Don't sweat the curves we love u like that.

Things not too say before a 3some: Of Course we're going to wait for your friend, she's the hot one.

STOP IT CANADA, JUST STOP IT
1 - Bryan Adams (Forgiven)
2 - Nickelback (Never)
3 - Justin Bieber (Never)
4 - Call Me Maybe Girl (FUCK YOU)

Panties are not the best thing in life, but next to it.

There are 3 ways to wear a baseball hat:

1. Forward (normal)
2. Backward
3. Douchebag

Is their a Jehovah Witness Protection Program?

I may not have washboard abs and model looks but I know exactly how to treat a woman. With respect, dignity and admiration.

I think the last time I got a piece of ass, my finger poked through the toilet paper.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.

This should cover today:
Bacon
Blowjob
Cock
Cunt
Fuck
Manual RT
Sext
Stalking
Stars
Subtweet
Their/there/they're
TC
Trophy
Vodka
Weed
Xanax

You bring out the 'fuck you' in me.

You are the bestest friends $30 ever bought me.

Things not to say when pulled over - It was yellow when I went through the light - it was red when you went through the light, Officer.

First rule of fight club should be the loser has to bring snacks the following week.

Apparently you CANNOT tweet from a pay phone.

Why is their a cucumber in the fridge? We never have salad. That's weird.

Guys if you are not willing to go down & spend some good QUALITY time on her pussy how do you expect her to just drop and suck your dick?

I'm beginning to think that if I didn't have a twitter account I would be more productive at work.