A Seal walks into a bar, Bartender says "what are you having friend?"

"Anything but a Canadian Club sir"

I make bad decisions like now I should have killed that spider instead of flicking it across the room. I know I'll have eggs in my ear by AM

Despite what ladies think, guys prefer a woman with curves over a skinny girl with no shape. Don't sweat the curves we love u like that.

Apparently you CANNOT tweet from a pay phone.

Why is their a cucumber in the fridge? We never have salad. That's weird.

Bought vegetables for our garden today & the wife insisted we grow our own cucumbers. So to answer your question yes, I'm a sex toy farmer.

Don't give alcohol or food to Canadians after midnight, they become *gulp* SUPER nice!

Worrying won't stop the bad stuff from happening, it just stops you from enjoying the good stuff.

You're not raising kids you're raising the adult you hope that they'll be.

My moves while walking barefoot through our yard w/ piles of dog poop can only be described as the Best of Barry Sanders.

Skanks gonna Skank

I can't explain any of these thoughts racing through my brain.

I may not have washboard abs and model looks but I know exactly how to treat a woman. With respect, dignity and admiration.

I hated Mondays before god created them.

- Hipsters

Nothing says I'll fuck you in a dirty bathroom like leopard print.

There are 3 ways to wear a baseball hat:

1. Forward (normal)
2. Backward
3. Douchebag

You are the bestest friends $30 ever bought me.

If Pitbull is in your ad it HAS to be a high quality product.

Secret to twitter is: tweet like your an alcoholic, Nympho, homeless person on Xanax but have a sweet side & be proficient in grammar.

Anyone realize Dora is always lost every episode? Why is their no Amber alert for her? Is it because she's Mexican?