Want my easy apricot jam recipe? Take 2 apricots and jam them in your ass.

New Bank of America checking account comes with lube and something to bite down on.

Is it bad that I like to tag myself as some woman's breast on Facebook? I figure it's like calling "dibs" or "shotgun".

Wow, if you don't get my attempt at humor...don't be a cunt about it...just ignore me. I'm just here to have fun, bitch.

My friend wants a Twitter, but his wife thinks he'll say bad things and flirt with women. Told him to see how his girlfriend feels about it.

Not doing any Friday Follows tomorrow. You people have enough followers. I want to keep you for myself. In my basement. Covered in oil.

When a woman says she is "very passionate", that means she takes crazy to the highest level.

I wouldn't say I'm a loser...more like a "didn't try-er".

Shasta and Mentos will create a drink so horrible that it will melt the faces off of your children!

Can't wait until tomorrow! Then I won't have to read tweets about @fsusteve 's birthday. :D

My co-worker said she was allergic to "peanuts" and I said "there's always invetro". Did I mention that my hearing is bad?

Life keeps giving me lemons, but they are covered in shit. How do I make lemonade? Guess I can make shitty lemonade.

If the world ends and I am the only one left, I promise to keep sending Tweets. Not like any of you star or retweet them anyway.

I used to be on something like Twitter, back in the 90s. It was called stalking young women. Like Twitter, but with restraining orders.

Waiting to call my boss and give her my two weeks notice. It's like Christmas Day and my first orgasm all rolled into one!

If I don't call you back after a one night stand, I either stole money from you or I took a dump under a cushion in your couch. Good luck.

If you aren't having sex with someone tonight, make sure to have sex with yourself!

I am introducing my own bonus features. Actually, it's more like "bone you" features.

Listening to the new Five Finger Death Punch album. Yes, I still call them albums. Fuck you, I was born in the 70s. Get off my lawn!

Funny how one joke about putting fruit in your ass gets me 10 new followers. Weirdos!