Thanks to Twitter, I find I lose interest in people's Facebook status' after about 140 characters.

I'm tweeting so furiously under my desk; my manager thinks I'm masturbating.

"I'm going to keep eating...because I can!" ~~ Americans

Next time I pick up a Mikes Lemonade I need one of you to come over here and punch me in the face.

Yeah, I know all I do is retweet.

You got a problem with it?

Fuck you.

Normally, I don't like having big boobs. But when I can use one to hold my phone while I do the dishes naked. I count it as a win.

BF wants to role play. He wants me to pretend not to know him and go home with some guy.

I think that's what he said, anyway.

We didn't start the fire. No, we didn't light it but we tried to fight it." ~~ Preparation H.

Just compared his peen to pizza.

Yep.

Like a boss.

Nothing says "Good Morning!" like a car alarm going off. INSIDE THE BUILDING YOU'RE IN.

I once asked @jayepow why he liked alcohol so much.

He told me that nothing was better than the taste of a good stiff one.

#roast

--Significant others--

Cause SOMEONE has to think you're funny on Twitter.

How @jayepow and I got together for the very first time: http://t.co/25Pt9VaJ

Almost all of my 50 followers have 2000+ followers themselves...

I'm the Twitter Charity Case.

:(

When your boss asks you what you are doing. "Checking my Twitter timeline." is NOT a valid answer.

"I have no patience for 'retardidity'"

Ladies and gentlemen, my manager and someone who makes at least 3 times my annual salary.

Get Down on It is playing on the PA system as my BF horse gallops across the showroom floor.

Yep. That's EXACTLY what I'm thinking about.

Zooey Deschanel is so adorable her pussy probably looks like Hello Kitty.

I get off early today at work.

Then I get to clock off early today at work.

It's way before 9am on a Saturday and I'm not in bed. If I didn't believe in alternate dimensions before...I do now.