Normally I read a bit of Twitter to wake up after the alarm goes off. Today I DREAMT that's what I did. You all got stars. I slept in. Win.

Constipation is like teenage love: can't sleep, can't eat, and it hurts when it leaves you.

Fb suggested I reconnect with my bf who is sitting next to me. I bet he'd like that too.

I'm clicking the 'no thanks' icon.

What's the twittetiquette for hating something? Unfollow seems rather drastic for just one gross tweet. Need an anti-star.

Using the train station toilet is like viewing the public timeline. Related: I need a chemical scrub shower.

Saw a five week old baby today. That was some creepy shit.

Woman in the next cubicle is on the phone. What a freak, using her phone on the toilet. Oh wait.

I just exchanged my lunch break for reading and starring 30 hours of tweets via the web client on a 3" screen. That's how much I love you.

Hey, leggings-as-pants-girl, did you know your butt looks like you're wearing full diapers?

So I see I wasn't missing much b4 gap detection. All tweets between midnight and 3am are about you getting up and having sex with coffee.

Learned today that Botox in your anus is a legitimate medical treatment for being uptight. Well, that's something.

Two months from today I'll be 30. Should I space these pills out or take them all at once as a present to myself? Dilemma!

Why is it that people support libraries with their smelly grubby used books, but when it comes to children everyone wants to own brand new?

I know there's something up with Twitter when it doesn't take me the entire train ride to work to catch up on the night's updates.

Cut my boob while shaving my legs in the shower. And people wonder why I don't drive a car!

I've noticed that I follow multiple people from Richmond, Va. And they're all funny. Is the Wyeth plant dropping something in the water?

Wore a short skirt and the coffee guy noticed the haircut I got last week. Oh, I see how this works now!

Do you guys even realise how much you tweet about food, sex, and coffee? It's the twifecta.

I just figured out that I missed bfast and lunch. This clearly demonstrates that my only essential body function is access to the Internet.

Going to work for the first time this week. As-if-it's-Mondaysually. The things I do to integrate with my Twitter family.