I'm an imagination of my own figment.

Sometimes I think I have ADD but then I think of something else.

Apparently today is coming out day in Chile.

This is more snow than even Lindsay Lohan can handle. #utah

Can we please give a round of applause for all the shit our toilets take.

You humans are assholes to each other. Here chug this. I wanna see you fight.

I wish I could fall asleep as fast as my foot... #insomnia

God drunk I'm fucking damn.

"On a scale of Helen Keller to Osama Bin Laden, how good are you at hide & seek?"

The difference between you and I is that you give a shit while I on the other hand, take a shit.

My favorite yoga position is when I stick my hind leg up in the air and lick my belly.

Cars look both ways when I cross the street.

Not my tweet not my problem.

Hostess files for bankruptcy. Maybe our country's future isn't so bad. That is until the fatties go crazy and start eating everyone. Fuck.

My ass is cleaner than my thoughts.

Weekly Pot Luck behind 7/11. All strains welcomed. @assholealien @discodeathstar @djbitchtits @darkhelmet79 @random_pun @celestialphenyx

Can't tell if farting in the shower or just farting smells worse.

Decisions, decisions.

Looks like we're hosting an intergalactic kegger.

Picky people should only pick their ass or nose.

FUCK PANTS #nopants2013