A stalker is a stalker. Until he gets his private investigator's license. Then I'm just doing my job bitch

4yo daughter caught a glimpse of my dick. i tried to apologize. she said its ok, mommy's friend has a black one.

Trouble finding drugs at the bar? Look for cigarette packs with no cellophane. Those people have drugs

When my wife goes out I'm super critical of how she looks. I want her looking her best, so she can find a boyfriend and move the fuck out.

Wife: "So what are we doing tonight?" Me: "I'll be doing bong hits and starring tweets, you'll be trying to figure out why nobody likes you"

When it comes to cocaine, I'll try anything once......every 30 mins, for like the next 3 days.

I've lost 3 straight arguments with a 5 year old. This weed is great

Asked my kid if she brushed her teeth before bed, said "No, I'll brush them twice in the morning"

I'm way too high to argue with that logic

Showed a friend Favstar. Been missing a week. Found him in the alley, stealing wifi, covered in his own filth, mumbling something bout stars

Went to the kitchen for a glass of water. Came back with a handfull of cookies. Your move diabetes.

So, the wife goes out drinking last night, and breaks her ankle. But I'm the bad guy for fucking her best friend. Double standard right?

Apparently opening google on my phone and sliding it across the coffee table to my kid, when she asks me anything, is not good parenting.

Reading the wife's diary. So boring. She should have an affair.

I finged fucked your sister on the hood of my maseratti. Well, toyota corolla. But I still finger fucked your sister.

My wedding was pretty akward when we did the "putting on the rings" part, because my fingers were still crossed from the "I do" part.

When I'm all baked, I forget to star the tweet that makes me laugh
However, I'll star the next nine on my feed thinking about it.

I probably should have paid more attention to the smart girls in school. The sluts have lost their looks and have fuck all to talk about

I wish people would stop telling my daughter how cute she is! She's cunty enough already!

Ordering porn through my neighbors window with my comcast remote. Diabolical!

Teaching my kids to read! One tweet at a time.

"Daddy, what is kegels?"