I'm sorry, are you my sensei? No, that's right, you're not. Please stop critiquing my roundhouse kicks while I'm out on my smoke break.

If you see me tossing garbage bags full of kittens out of my car on the freeway during rush hour, rest assured. I have my reasons.

Wish my wife could stay eight-months pregnant forever because I don't think I'm ready for a baby and it's not a sin to cheat on fat girls.

I'm sorry my son bit you, but you shouldn't have looked directly at him

My ex-boyfriend is spreading rumours that I'm schizophrenic.

Well, three can play at that game.

I'd be more excited to wake up in the morning if I rode a giant dog to work.

Sure hope Kelly Ripa's jaw never comes off it's hinges and kills us all.

The only thing that gets me wet is hearing the faint squeal of an approaching wheelchair.

I always stand next to black guys at the club so that girls will think I'm rich and I own slaves.

Hello, we are you're government. Please tell us all the things you love so we can ruin them.

"The dryer adds 10 lbs." ~Jeans

Bullets are just medicine for extra sad people.

I don’t get how people can text and drive. How do they hold their beer?

Every time one of my Twitter crushes favs my tweets I get really excited then I go and change my underwear. Too much? Too much.

Twitter is the Tower of Babble.

Drink 3 bottles of Hungarian wine and show your family what real terror is.

Hey girl who says "I never do this": Your shaved vagina says otherwise.

Just noticed they spelled "Ultimate Warrior" wrong on my birth certificate.

According to this voicemail, my grandmother has been at the airport for 5 months.

The check engine light on my vibrator is on.