My daughter ran into the wall, fell, got up, and ran into the same wall. Thank god she's pretty.

Men aren't more likely to cheat. They are more likely to get caught cheating.

I go to AA meetings, not because I'm an alcoholic, I just like coffee and sad stories.

Why am I not at the bar? I'm getting drunk at home like all the other good moms.

I bet twitter is a safe haven for funny people with speech impediments

On all my first dates I offer to pay for a tattoo of my name on his chest. Makes it easy to spot commitment-phobes

Shout out to the dudes trolling for ass on twitter. Guess what? The chicks are fat or crazy. They'd be at the bar if they weren't.

Hurt me, cool. Fuck with my kids and you just shortened your fucking lifespan

Both my therapist and my parole officer say I'm ready for a roommate again.

Women with sharpie marker eyebrows should donate their talents to dudes with peach fuzz mustaches.

They have to be funny if they live in Canada. They don't have electricity yet.

I wonder what awful things happened to some of you as children.

If your avi is an egg, don't follow me. The least you could do is download a picture of someone hot from the internet

I wish cuntsicles was a word. Because the word testicles is pretty cool.

I love subtweeting and you're not going to stop me.

I'm 5 from 500. To push me over: tits, student loans, fuck, lose weight, Justin bieber, dick, music career, pussy, glee, sex, new job, PETA

You're like a half hard dick. Amusing to look at, but not all that useful

I can tell from your lonely, desperate tweets that your wife left because you're a giant pussy.

He said I was nothing but a white trash alcholic burnout. And here I thought that's what he was in to. WTF?

Fuck you if you don't think twitter friendships are real. I'd cut a bitch for some of you guys.