Remember when we had to rewind the movies before sending it back? Like fucking animals.

Drugs, is not the answer unless the question is why are you eating spaghetti with your hands.

There's nothing a "Fuck this shit" can't fix.

I hope theres Wi-Fi in hell.

Why do I always have to get the fucked up one?


-My guardian angel

If a man remembers the color of your eyes after the first date, you have very small tits

Easy women are really women with broken hearts thinking that they can glue it back with semen

Twitter is not a competition, losers

My favorite extreme sport is to try to get wasted as quick as I can before the wife gets home, and try to act normal when she get here

Trust? Trust is letting your imaginary friend drive you home.

The amount of nothing that I've done today is incredible, I didn't know I had it in me, I think I'll go take my break now. Whew!

Here smoke this, I'll explain later.

I'm not drinking today.


-Me, when I was like 6 years old.

Having a hangover is just your body reminding you that it sucks to be sober.

Sucks to not be the person you want me to be, but it feels fucking great to be the person I am.

This weed smells like the word "huh" is going to be abused today.

The woman that allows you to tweet, is a fucking keeper.

I don't trust women that sleep with bras.

If "Why the fuck did I do that last night?" isn't the first thing you say when you wake up, I'm not interested in anything you have to say.

The little devil on my shoulder just whispered to me, "I don't fucking trust you" I smiled, and we laughed. Took a sip and laughed again.