One of my favorite things in the world is bed. You're born there, fuck there, create life, sleep and eventually die there. Bed, fuck yeah.

The urge to drink at inappropriate times is strong in this one.

Twitter, if I wanted to know peoples names I would be using facebook.

Fool me once...

I'm not surprised, I'm pretty fucking gullible.

I like my dog better than I like most people.

I usually follow people back as long as they aren't blatantly spamming me, but if you have YOLO right in your bio, sorry, it's not happening

So, Smurf semen is like, orange, right?

If you are 4 and under and use the toilet, it is essential to get naked before taking a shit.

#fact

I don't like to brag, but I've gotten quite proficient at shaving my cooch.

I know this isn't a big deal for a lot of people, but for a person who never thought she'd own one it is. I just got my first vibrator. 😥

Two cold leftover Chinese food dumplings and a spoon of Nutella is a balanced breakfast, right?

I retweet because I like to share the love.

And the weirdness.
And the pain.
And the... OH MY GOD YOUR'E SOME SICK FUCKS.::hits RT button::

What I want to be doing this fri night. Pizza, drinking, fucking.

What I am doing. watching the Care Bears Movie with minions.

Ignoring minions so I can flirt on the twitters.

Awesome mom, right here.

The party was at our house tonight.

And by party I mean the Avengers movie.

And by Avengers movie I mean Iron Man 3.

While watching The Avengers tonight, I had to describe every scene and state why it was funny.

I'm the reason we don't have nice things.

The wet spot I have to sleep in is from the dog laying on my side of the bed and licking her feet.

That's ok 'cause you can just retweet the tweet that I just tweeted.

I feel like an old person. I'm having medical equipment dropped off at my house for my use.

I just don't care about the Olympics. I can't be the only one that just couldn't give a fuck, right?