"Who ever came up with the saying: one tough cookie, sure wasn't aware of the structural integrity of baked goods."

When a girl says "I don't normally do this," she normally does it.

I think the Discovery Channel should be on different channels every day.

Real friends show me their tits.

"One man's trash is another man's treasure." - Great saying, horrific slogan for an adoption agency

Hey, dude who flips me off for honking at him in the parking lot, your groceries are on top of your car.

Reading an Asian newspaper is like looking at a 1000 douche bag tattoos.

"Wench, set it down as if it were ablaze!" - Shakespeare telling a bitch to drop it like it's hot

Do dumb people give it the "ole' GED" try?

That moment when you're hugging your parents after you've won at a figure skating competition is the best time to tell them that you're gay.

"Strippers live the dream (the one where you're naked in front of a crowd)."

I wonder what former President George Bush is thinkiating right now.

I'm such a good kisser that if I had my own martial art, it would be tongue - fu!

I'm a huge fan of 50 cent, or as he's known in Zimbabwe, four hundred million dollars.

The shocker: Two in the blood, one in the mud. Two in the claim, one in the Shazam. #Imsorry

What a beautiful day to walk around and stare at my phone.

Got pulled over today and the cop said, "papers." So I said, "scissors," I win! Sssssuuuuuuuccccccckkkkkkkkaaaaaa!

If you're ever confused and not sure what to do in life, just do the complete opposite of the guy wearing the thumb ring.

Miami is a lot like a Kardashian vagina: it's warm, moist, and filled with great athletes and rappers.

Another fact: If a girl sleeps with a bunch of guys she's a whore, but if a guy does he's gay.