"Officer down. Repeat, officer down."- sad cop

Nobody runs in my family.
Obesity runs in my family

Originally, 'Les Misérables' was planned to be more like the "Step Up" movies and be called 'France France Revolution'

'The Grateful Dead Channel' has been a channel on Sirius for 4yrs now & if you're into them, turn it on now b/c theyre starting the 2nd song

Samuel L. Jackson is much cooler in Mexico where he is known as "Samuel The Jackson".

The first rule of "Fight Club" is to change the channel whenever Brad Pitt is on screen shirtless so you're gf can stand having sex w/ you

"It puts the ball in the basket." Buffalo Bill, NBA announcer

"GOD HATES FLAGS." - Westboro Baptist Olympic Committee

"It's not delivery... it's Cesarean©!"

There should be "M&M Night Shyamalans" where it looks like an M&M and you think it's an M&M but then you bite down and AHHHHH GLASS!?!?!?!?

"Grab the dogs! Here comes Cruella ella, ay ay ay!" - Rihanna in the inevitable '101 Dalmatians' reboot

Well, fuck. Looks like the gun went off officially announcing the start of the "look at my shitty tree" marathon of pictures on Facebook

Kids are now emailing their Xmas lists to Santa but he may not get them because the FBI has seized his hard drive for emailing w/ children

NO! NO! gadget rape-whistle

"Capacity" sounds like the name of a black girl and I'm glad Twitter is finally over her because she ain't worth it, yo.

I can no longer casually use my phone while sitting down b/c after years of conditioning, my body automatically thinks it's time to poop.

My adorably insane grandmother dabs a napkin on her tongue and tries to wipe smudges off my cheeks in Facebook photos.

I enjoy playing the "Indiana Jones quickly grabbing his hat before his hand is crushed" game but when grabbing food from the fridge

Finished my Christmas shopping. Thank you, "Suds Laundromat" Lost&Found.

"I'm just an ordinary guy, ya know. I put my pants on just like anyone else: with a long stick with a hook on the end of it." - Cee Lo Green