My mom acts like every time I go out I'm going to get pregnant.

That was ONE time mom.

To the Texas Dad that beat the creep to death for molesting his 4yo daughter, where would you like the Father of the Year trophy sent to?

I like to lay there after sex, stroking her hair and whispering things like "whhhy are youuuu still hereeee?"

Don't introduce your new boyfriend to your old boyfriend if your new boyfriend is just a picture of your old boyfriend attached to a broom.

*asks wife to send naked picture*
* wife sends full body shot of her on bed naked, no phone in hand*
**scratches head**

If you smoke while you're pregnant your baby will come out wearing a jean jacket.

How dare you incinerate that I don't know big words.

I hate when The Little Mermaid is all "who cares no big deal I want more!" Like, you already have 20 thingamabobs you aquatic scumbag relax

A man who saved 6 year old girl from being abducted claims to be an illegal immigrant. Great, now they're stealing Batman's job too.

This hooker tried to charge me $50 for a blowjob?

That is like $6000 an hour.
WTF

When is Twitter over? I can't do this shit forever.

I'm calling bullshit on Star Wars. When have you ever seen a big, black guy admit to being someone's father?

The range of emotions a lobster goes thru from being chosen at the tank to being boiled alive must be how it feels to be drafted by the Jets

My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.

A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.

If you've never heard the sound of a dial-up modem, then you're probably too young for me to give a fuck about anything you say.

There are two guarantees in life

1. We all will die
2. White people fucking love brunch.

My diet coke tastes funny. Must be the lack of whiskey.

3D Glasses but for Twitter,

So the rest of us who know this ISN’T REAL, can see what you people who think this is REAL, are seeing.

I’m allergic to dark liquor, it makes me break out in handcuffs.