Just finished eating my Easter peeps. I mean the sugar covered marshmallow candy, not my Christian friends.

I'm about to school this 9-year-old at hopscotch so bad he goes crying to his momma... which is, well, me.

Hating Mondays is like hating 1/7 of your life. That'd be like me hating 1 of my kids. If I had 7 kids. Which I don't. I suck at metaphors.

I wish my "Caller ID" also had "Caller IQ."

No, YOU'RE taking the neighborhood watch too seriously! BTW- you should shred your mail and you're spending way too much on auto insurance.

If anyone needs a man card let me know. I have a few extra. I took em from all the dudes at the theater as they were walking into Twilight.

I was trying to learn The Humpty Dance and I fell and cracked my head open. In other words, totally nailed it.

At the store and some guy just asked me for a date.

I suggested he find a store employee because I have no idea where the dried fruit is.

I just organized all my spices. You should really come over and check out my rack.

It's not pretty being easy.

The cashier ringing up my groceries has the name "Hu" on his name-tag. I'm so tempted to ask him if he let the dogs out.

Hey fat dude at the swimming pool in a Speedo stroking your belly fur...


No.

I am no longer interested in sex. Related: I just finished reading a fascinating book about reverse psychology.

They gave us the McNugget, then the McRib. Now we have the McCafe. I have a feeling we are getting close to the McSpaghetti.

It's not that I'm easy. It's that he's hard.

I don't want to wear the pants in a relationship... I say let's just take off our pants and go naked.

Saying, "Top 'o the mornin to ya" is only allowed if you've had Lucky Charms for breakfast. Hey- I don't make the rules.

Just when I thought ice cream trucks couldn't get any creepier, that one drove by playing Oh Come All Ye Faithful and proved me wrong.

No, I'm not suicidal. But yes, I am eating Taco Bell for lunch. It's very confusing I know.

I don't know who this Pete guy is, but no I will not "stop with the sarcastic comments" for his sake.