Sometimes when we spoon, I pretend you're my jetpack

"What? Where?" - owl on some next level shit

Alligators have such a smug look on their face like they know something we don't. I bet it's how they survived and dinosaurs didn't.

Why do old people always have clocks ticking in their houses? Shouldn't that be the last thing you'd want?

Just opened a document and my pc was all like WORD and I was all like YO

I turned my pillow over before it was cool

What I say : "I'm an atheist". What they hear : " I have butt sex with the devil"

One of those days where I feel like everyone will find out I've been faking being an adult all this time.

I'm a virgin. I don't give any fucks.

You have to question the logic of a tortoise who'd race a hare in the first place.

Maybe cave drawings are just ancient rock giants with tattoos. We don't know.

Oh dear, it seems I've run out of weekend

This tweet is a poem I wrote about kissing kitten paws.

I'm probably going to fall in love with you a little if you smell like something awesome from my childhood

I think people who write f*ck really mean fuck.

Its said that more people are killed by toasters than by sharks each year. So if you see a shark with a toaster start panicking

And now, a message from the national pancake union: " fuck waffles"

My train of thought just hit a cow

Children? but I have trouble even raising an eyebrow

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time