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Sometimes when we spoon, I pretend you're my jetpack
"What? Where?" - owl on some next level shit
Alligators have such a smug look on their face like they know something we don't. I bet it's how they survived and dinosaurs didn't.
Why do old people always have clocks ticking in their houses? Shouldn't that be the last thing you'd want?
Just opened a document and my pc was all like WORD and I was all like YO
I turned my pillow over before it was cool
What I say : "I'm an atheist". What they hear : " I have butt sex with the devil"
One of those days where I feel like everyone will find out I've been faking being an adult all this time.
I'm a virgin. I don't give any fucks.
You have to question the logic of a tortoise who'd race a hare in the first place.
Maybe cave drawings are just ancient rock giants with tattoos. We don't know.
Oh dear, it seems I've run out of weekend
This tweet is a poem I wrote about kissing kitten paws.
I'm probably going to fall in love with you a little if you smell like something awesome from my childhood
I think people who write f*ck really mean fuck.
Its said that more people are killed by toasters than by sharks each year. So if you see a shark with a toaster start panicking
And now, a message from the national pancake union: " fuck waffles"
My train of thought just hit a cow
Children? but I have trouble even raising an eyebrow
Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time
I like poking dead things with a stick
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