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It infuriates me when people fail to acknowledge my monocle.
Imagine a world where you looked like your personality
My friday nights are for nursing vendettas and folding clothes.
In a past life, I was a Vandal raiding villages of fishmongers. In this life, I just picked up a bag of my dog's shit, while ordering pizza.
apparently strangers don't think whispering "Valar morghulis" in their ear is cute
Just like the McRib, Matthew Mcconaughey impressions are back.
I wish I could be at the pitch meeting for Taco Bell Salsa Packet sayings
In 1975, American Nerds built protocomputers and lasers. In 2013, American Nerds play with Star Wars action figures while jacking off.
Sex is how society controls people. See it for what it is: a control mechanism, nothing more - Noam Chomksy, getting a blow job, 1995
Here is a cheering thought: the universe is infinite. Probably.
Just ate a taco one handed while driving a busted out toyota camry. ARE YOU FALLING IN LOVE AS WE SPEAK?
There is nothing attention hogs hate more than intelligence in people they can't dominate.
My favorite comedians are homeless people. Because they know that life is a joke.
It's ironic that the most interesting and funny people I know - aren't even comedians.
It sucks to grow up poor and dumb, but it is truly horrifying to grow up poor and smart.
ugly girls who post selfies possess a mysterious self-regard that is almost heroic
PUSSY IS FOR CLOSERS
the only thing worse than being fat in summer is being fat in winter
I always view a woman with a side ponytail with extreme caution.
TALK DIRTY TO ME ABOUT CHEETOS
Comedian. Super into Peter Sellers. http://favstar.fm/users/FakeTiffanyAle http://www.funnyordie.com/hate_mail