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It infuriates me when people fail to acknowledge my monocle.
My friday nights are for nursing vendettas and folding clothes.
Here is a cheering thought: the universe is infinite. Probably.
In a past life, I was a Vandal raiding villages of fishmongers. In this life, I just picked up a bag of my dog's shit, while ordering pizza.
Sex is how society controls people. See it for what it is: a control mechanism, nothing more - Noam Chomksy, getting a blow job, 1995
In 1975, American Nerds built protocomputers and lasers. In 2013, American Nerds play with Star Wars action figures while jacking off.
TALK DIRTY TO ME ABOUT CHEETOS
the only thing worse than being fat in summer is being fat in winter
Just ate a taco one handed while driving a busted out toyota camry. ARE YOU FALLING IN LOVE AS WE SPEAK?
PUSSY IS FOR CLOSERS
The American Tax System is a polite way to say, "Pay homage to your feudal lords, serf."
My favorite comedians are homeless people. Because they know that life is a joke.
Amanda Bynes says that TMZ framed her with a fake bong, and the police punched her in the vagina, and holy jesus on the cross, I BELIEVE HER
Red Lobster is an NBC sitcom without a laugh track.
It's ironic that the most interesting and funny people I know - aren't even comedians.
I spent a good twenty minutes today trying to decide if I want to go to Burning Man.
I always view a woman with a side ponytail with extreme caution.
if porn is cool and safe and fun and great, then why don't more fathers want their daughters to become pornstars?
When I want to break up with a dude, I bust out a manuscript and say, 'let's catch up on my poetry!'
My idea of an economically stable America, is where every man, women and child has the right to tell their boss to fuck off.
Comedian. Drag-king. Empath. Scientist. http://favstar.fm/users/FakeTiffanyAle