Kim Jong Un's house is literally the Cobra Kai dojo

Wed., 5/15: A small, furry creature who lives in my house walks around in a box of her own shit. Soon thereafter, I welcome her onto my lap.

π Fast π Furious

security guys are tough to please so don't let your guard down

Shout out to all the cool stepmoms getting a raw deal on mothers day.

In 2020, freestyle rapping, student drug dealers at private high schools in the suburbs will hang a Gatsby poster next to Scarface and 2Pac.

I need you guys to stop talking shit about #painandgain

A 'Taylor Swiffer' is when you fuck a girl doggy style on the floor so her hair picks up all the dirt then you break up with her.

This is where the magic happens. *gestures to deflated bouncy castle*

Just working on an oil painting of a naked Suge Knight scooping salmon out of a river like a bear.

The International Space Station is probably just an awesome meth lab.

Little Mermaid's "Kiss the Girl" is probably my favorite love song about sexually pressuring a handicapped girl in a swamp.

"He's far too handsome to be an emotionless killer!" - motto inscribed in Latin over cemetery archway

1. Fill a waterbed with milk.
2. Lay down.
3. You are now sleeping on a big ol' titty.

SEXT: Hi, ho. The dairy? #O

The Lord giveth and The Lord taketh away. Just snatches it. Uses a real racist Asian accent also. Like "too srow grasshoppah." Not cool.

donate my blood? yeah right, and have my blood swimming around in some other guy's boner? nice try, buddy

*turns camera back to self after unintentionally filming JFK assassination* WORLD STAAAR. THIS SHITS GOING ON WORLD STAAAARRR

those hawaiian grass skirts are technically lawngerie

Batman might have turned out waaaay different if the dude who killed his parents hadn't been white.