Once a day I'm gonna start trophying a random tweet in a mundane conversation I'm not involved in.

A 'Taylor Swiffer' is when you fuck a girl doggy style on the floor so her hair picks up all the dirt then you break up with her.

Just working on an oil painting of a naked Suge Knight scooping salmon out of a river like a bear.

Little Mermaid's "Kiss the Girl" is probably my favorite love song about sexually pressuring a handicapped girl in a swamp.

SEXT: Hi, ho. The dairy? #O

*turns camera back to self after unintentionally filming JFK assassination* WORLD STAAAR. THIS SHITS GOING ON WORLD STAAAARRR

I ain’t sayin she a gold digger...but she did move west to california in 1849.

Chris Bosh looks like one of Omar's boyfriends from the Wire

those hawaiian grass skirts are technically lawngerie

Batman might have turned out waaaay different if the dude who killed his parents hadn't been white.

meeting a unicorn is cool until he snorts too much glitter & you have to hold back his mane while he pukes & makes racist jokes about horses

I’d be the UFC fighter to come out to a self help audiobook.

“So at the end, he cums on his own face.” — M. Night Shyamalan, porn director

The Lord giveth and the Lord haveth a lithp.

"It's okay, buddy. You just had a bad dream," I said comforting my son while ignoring his giant morning boner cause I'm a great dad.

God creates dinosaurs. God destroys dinosaurs. God creates man. Man destroys god. Man creates dinosaurs. i make them fight my tonka trucks

I bet Edward Scissorhands really hates Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson.

People always complain that I'm "out there." [On the phone. To the cops. While I'm sitting in their birdbath.]

Life hack: Order an endless pasta dish as your final meal on death row.

"I'm more of a morning person," he said, stripping away his human mask to reveal a bacon smile & two poached eggs where his eyes once were.