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  • UNTRESOR
      Brandon Gutermuth @UNTRESOR

    A 'Taylor Swiffer' is when you fuck a girl doggy style on the floor so her hair picks up all the dirt then you break up with her.

    • 303
    • FAVS
    stuartcraigCalliopeTreizeohhh_KGIanBallsmaxbarnett000tastefactoryQ_Stephensjcarlin2412
    • 152
    • RETWEETS
    ChelseySchweryChipKellysAjokeovercastkidbetamaxx21julieoconnor45janellevesqueIlliter8denverbelle
    zachheltzelFakeWhimsy
  • lazerdoov
      Dan Duvall @lazerdoov

    Just working on an oil painting of a naked Suge Knight scooping salmon out of a river like a bear.

    • 86
    • FAVS
    OhTurdFergussenreynoldsx_xXrystleFeelingMervisJimGivitistrhbrts19SamponieColorMeScradd
    • 17
    • RETWEETS
    BeardRobinsonSamponieBretttweetButter_bumpsmrtruthandsoulLazerPunchGrisMcThornbodyThe_Dorkster
    FakeWhimsy
  • rolldiggity
      Matt Roller @rolldiggity

    Little Mermaid's "Kiss the Girl" is probably my favorite love song about sexually pressuring a handicapped girl in a swamp.

    • 251
    • FAVS
    percosetmkillyHidingFromPilwhit_the_bossTaylorSteelekeshawn427catiepurryadamthislife
    • 160
    • RETWEETS
    HidingFromPiWhatWouldZyzzDoLDanger33InTheOasisredsaraheadsarahvallisRebecca_BarclayTheOz_Meister
    FakeWhimsy
  • lanyardigan
      lanyard @lanyardigan

    SEXT: Hi, ho. The dairy? #O

    • 49
    • FAVS
    CelebrityChezLeemanishburgerkranglosdrogasFakeWhimsyHabeasDorkisSidleyJamesamyrobinson1971
    • 9
    • RETWEETS
    LoserlySushiFakeWhimsy_Oreskovichmissalannyrichsheridan200shlorasaurusTheGregWagnerrigamarock
    FakeWhimsy
  • Lowenaffchen
      Löwenäffchen @Lowenaffchen

    *turns camera back to self after unintentionally filming JFK assassination* WORLD STAAAR. THIS SHITS GOING ON WORLD STAAAARRR

    • 1,211
    • FAVS
    zanehamsteadclintprice96billyrohBromanConsuloburgiemistermcgee9tombompslime_golem
    • 798
    • RETWEETS
    JakeTurnerisRadMoomoomoo1MaxYoungbloodHughhh_drubel2kmesghaliZachCohanjustinegoodiel
    FakeWhimsy
  • burgerkrang
      adam @burgerkrang

    I ain’t sayin she a gold digger...but she did move west to california in 1849.

    • 791
    • FAVS
    sunfiltersewerbromilkin_hunniesheatstrokingLaBaPeteHeidiknod____velcrofannypackfunnol
    • 344
    • RETWEETS
    velcrofannypackNephets_kenyonwalkerZacBaltzJohn_H_NewAnalogDashsuperWEEninjaTrevorsDumbass
    FakeWhimsymeat_tornado_montaukmonster1
  • septembawest______
      September @septembawest______

    Chris Bosh looks like one of Omar's boyfriends from the Wire

    • 10
    • FAVS
    rorynotroyHabeasDorkisgavinpivottThe_DorksterG7Gin____________ContinentalJr____FakeWhimsyDungleberry420
    • 5
    • RETWEETS
    G7Gin____________FakeWhimsydeviebgoneDungleberry420the_kizzle
    FakeWhimsy
  • rev_revolver
      King Kaveman @rev_revolver

    those hawaiian grass skirts are technically lawngerie

    • 146
    • FAVS
    Home_Halfwaygypsydylannachmed13NValorzatanenhauspaulrobalinoZacB__bizmichael
    • 100
    • RETWEETS
    OwenColton89jdavvgynickstarkAlastor666________Rydog57discoboneKatieMo10halfpoundofbeef
    FakeWhimsy
  • MiahSaint
      Miah St Cyr @MiahSaint

    Batman might have turned out waaaay different if the dude who killed his parents hadn't been white.

    • 225
    • FAVS
    BromanConsulHollyMemphisJasonLastnamePoguePhilosophygreenteam15UncleDynamiteHiK_ByeFourEyedQueef
    • 72
    • RETWEETS
    knirbcNicFive5DanielPecilunasCopperheadSammiTheDairylandDonIshinceptionSomeBrianTickrMasterG9____
    NickBossRossFakeWhimsy
  • Kalarlis
      Kaylee Harles @Kalarlis

    meeting a unicorn is cool until he snorts too much glitter & you have to hold back his mane while he pukes & makes racist jokes about horses

    • 1,071
    • FAVS
    Starmama30deleteandrewindLaRocca_Flockadanielleclark49Kitty_Lee_veryrealunicornlanyardiganTheFearBoners____
    • 679
    • RETWEETS
    deleteandrewinddork_kingRanitywino75LisaJRudiselJohn_Nail1taramillerxShAbbie_
    Mickey_McCauleyiBrowniEd2jefftminstonKendragardenFakeWhimsythetobbienotfaizzyTheD_BagJarmadamezoobleclaire_mudie
  • ixSEANxi
      Sean Gabay @ixSEANxi

    I’d be the UFC fighter to come out to a self help audiobook.

    • 37
    • FAVS
    ceejoynerBRUTHANIALLPeteECochraneFingDuckmeghahanRobWeb79EightyoneTimesmyles_morrison
    • 9
    • RETWEETS
    EightyoneTimesFingDuckRobWeb79davelossoFakeWhimsyocnarfjimenezjeff_tetlowkatelynnesilva
    FakeWhimsy
  • shahrouzt
      Shahrouz @shahrouzt

    “So at the end, he cums on his own face.” — M. Night Shyamalan, porn director

    • 153
    • FAVS
    ShoutingGoddesssamsara668johngayseeEricMyNoseScottLinnenMeatShowAgain____obi_ian_kenobiSwoonTwang________
    • 38
    • RETWEETS
    BombeRougeTJ_Whiteheadwookietv2566544654RivRunjoeyfingers26thGradeMustachthatspicegirl
    FakeWhimsydoooiiiit
  • BlitznBeans
      Aaron Blitzstein @BlitznBeans

    The Lord giveth and the Lord haveth a lithp.

    • 188
    • FAVS
    JennyPentlandnodegeneracyMs_ClawsJonJon_BrownCalliopeTreizekamiekaymeeJhonRulesGunzMontana
    • 108
    • RETWEETS
    JhonRulessalttotaste78Fitzysuper_anti_genwildelegalShawnaDiotte_sugarcaneCristina_Folsom
    NickBossRossFakeWhimsy
  • DannyZuker
      Danny Zuker @DannyZuker

    "It's okay, buddy. You just had a bad dream," I said comforting my son while ignoring his giant morning boner cause I'm a great dad.

    • 334
    • FAVS
    kristenqkanekos69deKenstructionmycatisbluedchristiannbaleTeriBussartPsstCaptainmdakasmahmud
    • 130
    • RETWEETS
    PsstCaptainWildCard0102fidel_casserole__Kt_lynn_gingeramyrobinson1971loaudleyamylou126taylordeaa
    FakeWhimsyMelissaStettenLisaGoodwin1BlitznBeans
  • CyberMale1996
      I am Admín Ben @CyberMale1996

    God creates dinosaurs. God destroys dinosaurs. God creates man. Man destroys god. Man creates dinosaurs. i make them fight my tonka trucks

    • 581
    • FAVS
    bone__sawjohnjcorriganaikimiharucaitlyngowrilukAndyThompsNotNotMauriceCaleybirdSteven_motion
    • 412
    • RETWEETS
    burgercometsports_jwhoremondgrouchylizardDodekalypseGAPT_Scudligernekokaplsburydoughboy
    FakeWhimsy
  • DaringDareBear
      Dare @DaringDareBear

    I bet Edward Scissorhands really hates Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson.

    • 272
    • FAVS
    PS_IRuddYouJohnDuffy21jonslowdvowelLama911fignon69DukeOfOyl________BobbyBucchae
    • 77
    • RETWEETS
    jonslowfignon69BobbyBucchaeEaton_BeaverMentionMeBiatchpoopyshartdickShadyMacBradybenittto12
    FakeWhimsyburgerkrangshahrouzt
  • trumpetcake
      Ted Travelstead @trumpetcake

    People always complain that I'm "out there." [On the phone. To the cops. While I'm sitting in their birdbath.]

    • 118
    • FAVS
    youmanateeshurtcobainhoneynutqueerioirememberfallinjazzjavajoyJoeWantsInkylestixxxkv8
    • 35
    • RETWEETS
    maggieg33kchelseaBEAUhoneynutqueerioamking981kylestixxxLLSweatbombfavstar1000favsLola_Areola
    FakeWhimsy
  • GreenishDuck
      Zachary? @GreenishDuck

    Life hack: Order an endless pasta dish as your final meal on death row.

    • 258
    • FAVS
    zryan04tastefactoryBambamVictoriaadamthislifejefftminstonGFGandernishaezzati_shurtcobain
    • 93
    • RETWEETS
    oliviapalomaresFavstar250nobbz27xostephanieandycbutlerNina_WinningAndrewWCalebMatthewDunaway
    GroperClevelandFakeWhimsyYUCKYBOT
  • UNTRESOR
      Brandon Gutermuth @UNTRESOR

    "I'm more of a morning person," he said, stripping away his human mask to reveal a bacon smile & two poached eggs where his eyes once were.

    • 146
    • FAVS
    DepecheALAmodejunkyard_cowboyLopsidedBeard____MegMcKenznativeminnowelhammer23Maui_Speaks______Cameron_Slade
    • 50
    • RETWEETS
    _MissHandled_Maui_Speaks______FlyoverJoelZigs26djouliet_amaraPodyTheCirate____Gerard_LangexXFaithFoolXx
    FakeWhimsy
  • _Shizzle
      Hickory Dickory @_Shizzle

    I wonder if Jesus ever plays "got your nose" with Michael Jackson.

    • 224
    • FAVS
    StephenBCramerOhMyJoeeeSadieSmithRoksBlaineBruceJackieluvsUKGiddythefuckupLindaInDisguisellvvzz
    • 87
    • RETWEETS
    OhMyJoeeeBlaineBruceJackieluvsUK4QgodAnother_WenchalexkovacsItsTheJavYotrill_fawn
    FakeWhimsypseudofauxmeLoveRebelRock
@FakeWhimsy

@FakeWhimsy

But soft! What light through yonder window breaks? It speaks, and yet says nothing.

Tweets that @FakeWhimsy has recently awarded the Tweet of the Day.