"We have TV, you know" - China

It pisses me off that the rioters who claim "they've had enough of the rich" first destroy the small businesses and housing #londonriots

Can we PLEASE name the Meteorite and Asteroid, "Moose and Squirrel"? #PLEASE #Russia

A bungalow on the beach, a fire crackling in the hearth. Fred Rogers looks up from his cup of tea and says, "Maurice! So glad you're here".

"What is Twitter and how do I stop it?" - Tom Cruise

Wait, it goes paper covers rock, scissors cut paper and football hides child rapists, right?

Resistance is Futile, Charlie Brown #RejectedPeanutsSpecials @jerilryan

Today is now "National Not Enough Bourbon Day"

Charles Schulz claimed he woke w/a feeling of doom everyday of his life. I have the same problem, minus the billions of dollars in royalties

For all my new #nerd followers: Imperial Desktop on the Death Star: http://bit.ly/lIJUVz

"No, it's okay, sweetheart. They're my friends. From Twitter. They'll sleep on the floor. They'll be FINE."

Here. Are. Some. Amusing. Stories. About. Mitt. Romney. Ha. Ha. Ha. #RNC

You can shit-can this day right back to the fuck farm.

"I AM SIGNIFICANT", screamed the retweet.

I've always preferred Pi over Cak.

Can't wait until I'm super rich so the working class common folk can hate me, but still give me all the power to ruin their lives.

Dear, "Keep gov't outta my life" people: You wouldn't survive ten seconds without a paved road to Walmart. #Shut #It

Tour de FARCE #LanceArmstrongMovieTitles #sorry

"Are you sure you want to delete your Twitter account?" *Clicks 'yes', grabs bourbon, walks into woods with white dog* - How my book ends

Has anyone checked to see if Australia is still on the map? #EndDays