I got a job at Google in safe word research.

A fast hello and quick goodbye
singing me their lullabye.

Some people are funny, some are fucked up.

Some love from the bottom of their hearts while others love from all of it.

I have an addictive personality. I know this because solitaire, tetris, sedoku, angry birds and candy crush.

So, yeah... no drugs for me.

Intelligence always beats handsome.

But just to be safe, I've got both covered

I want to temporarily paralyze you with an orgasm, then permanently disable you with 5 more after that.

My wife gets mad when I don't thank her for dinner.

I never get a thank you for the house or cars or the kids ...

forget I said anything.

Sometimes I accidentally listen to people.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, the 3 reasons why I hate people are:

1- they
2- are
3- people.

I won’t do a damn thing to try & win anyone’s love, they will either accept me as I am or I’ll find someone who will.

I just ran like a little bitch from a skunk in my yard, if anyone finds a man card…please return it to me.

Why would I label my tweets with a hashtag that will limit their possibility of confusing so many people.

I want a play date with your dark side.

The easiest flattered
are the easiest fooled.

Running from my problems doesn't help me to get in shape, so I had to create more problems to run faster.

Not being drunk is the worst 3 hours of my day.

I'm Down To Fuckitup.

I don’t know about you but this seems like a good time to talk about insecurities…what fucked you up?

So, is everyone on their period, or what? Looking at you, fellas.