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Relationship Status: On my knees worshiping the heated towel rack.
I let them trick me into being productive yesterday. I'll be more careful today. Sleazy motherfuckers.
Black Santa's sleigh has a sound system that will rattle your chimney.
Employment status: Miserable
Sometimes I can lower my blood sugar just by cutting back on certain things, like bread. Or giant blocks of cake.
If you lose a grandparent this Christmas, let's hope it's by getting run over by a reindeer, the most festive way for an old person to die.
I wish I would hurry up and hit rock bottom because this fall is killing me.
I'm 6'3"… so most people are short to me.
And, well, 'short people got no reason to live.'
I was about to piss people off, but only accidentally.
You got to understand something… ain't nobody making it outta this life alive.
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity. Coincidence?
I guess it's time to wake up and leave work..
"Hoarders" could film a one hour episode just on the empty shampoo bottles my girlfriend leaves in the corners of my bathtub.
Please buy my book for girls “Of Course I’ll Respect You in the Morning and Other Fairy Tales”
Relationships are pretty easy when you just hide your crazy long enough for them to fall in love with you.
Shout out to all my people who stand in their bathroom with a toothbrush in their mouth for 20 minutes as they stare at their phones.
My wife, in yoga pants, just reached into the bottom of the freezer, and I fell in love all over again. Yes, I am exactly that shallow.
I'm a big fan. Not sure what you're doing but I'm a fan.
Never wait to be there for someone. Be there already.
I have a some time off work over Christmas which is great because I have a lot of things to not get done.