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Is it supposed to hurt this much?
Dont care if you got a meeting. The roster says its your turn to give the daily eulogy for the little piece of me that dies at work each day
Accidentally walking through the camping aisle at Target every once in a while is about as outdoorsy as I get.
With angels like these, who needs demons?
Knowing someone's your dream come true and living the nightmare of not being able to whisper those words in their ear.
I'm everything you ever thought you wanted ... but nothing you could actually fucking handle
When I said I wanted "easy access" attire... I didn't quite have "hospital gown" in mind.
When you have kids, and hear a noise downstairs while you're sleeping, your first thought is, "Please be a burglar".
Ok, have fun!…Really means: If you fuck anyone else, I know where to hide bodies…hope I don’t have to hide yours.
I don't care how badass you think you are, man or woman.
Everyone needs a little tenderness for the soul.
If you cannot navigate an airport security line, I should be able to kick you repeatedly, that's the new law.
I think the hardest part about ending a relationship is disposing of the body.
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she's in charge of North Korea.
I love when your halo becomes a choke collar
she had no need for promises or plans for future days. he wrapped up here and gave her now
Brain, please meet Heart...
Heart, may I introduce you to Brain...
I think life would be better for all of us if you two started talking.
You know that pillow you have? The one you can’t live without? The one that can make you fall asleep no matter what?
-Let me be that
Sex with someone who wants sex is pretty cool.
But sex with someone who wants YOU? Now we're talking...
For a good work presentation:
- sit on edge of desk
- uncross legs à la Sharon Stone
- don’t be male
Think of the strongest person in your life who is always there for you. Now give them a hug & thank them. These people need love too.