Sext: You're funny. I can't stop laughing. That dick picture was just a joke, right?

This tweet would get all dressed up and go somewhere special on a Saturday night, but unfortunately it's married.. so it'll just get drunk.

I get bi with a little help from my girl friends.

Stop staring at me like that, goddamn it, I'm just a tweet.

Go ahead, touch yourself. But it'd feel a whole hell of a lot better if I was there and touching yourself for you.

This tweet is down in a hole, losing its soul, and doesn't know if it can be saved.

Let's wound each other and drink each others blood, then sing along to Dimmu Borgir and seductively chant Hail Satan until we have an orgasm

I met this really neat guy, well I didn't exactly meet him but I've been looking at his profile picture and now I'm planning out our future.

I will be your ramen noodles when your wife divorces you and takes away all of your money.

I have a whole lot to do this weekend. For starters, make sure to buy more alcohol so I don't run out of drunk.

Don't talk to me about bats. I know all about bats and how they ride in the sky and mate with owls and finger wolves.

I've only been on here for a couple of hours but you goddamn people are so fucking nice to me and I'm drunk as hell and in love with you all

This tweet knows that girls just want to have fun, and that doesn't happen when they have sex with boys who don't even try to make them cum.

Sometimes you have to walk away from love, or be killed by it. I don't know about you, but I chose to fucking walk away... like a penguin.

This tweet just took a piss and discovered that it is now on its period.

See if this tweet will fit up your butt.

Love me like I never ruined your fucking life.

Your twitter crush might be dead right now. Or maybe they'll be dead tomorrow. What do you know? But you care, don't you? Meet them, & soon.

I just want to hold hands with you until your wrists break.

This tweet is guilty, on all accounts.