@FartSandwich's (Fart Sandwich) most faved Tweets...
Twitter goes down more than Carnie Wilson on a box of HoHo's! I'd make a quip about your mother, but two fat ladies in one joke is too much.
There's no "I" in the word "team."
There's no "jerkbag" in the word "team" either. But there's one in your cubicle. Jerkbag.
There's no "jerkbag" in the word "team" either. But there's one in your cubicle. Jerkbag.
"I need a second job," exclaimed coworker. "How about a handjob?" I asked.
...and that's how we all got fired, I'll say, to my grandkids.
...and that's how we all got fired, I'll say, to my grandkids.
We are making Shepherd's Pie tonight. We caught and slaughtered the Shepherd ourselves. Man, Irish people are badass.
16
If you're a food writer who uses the words "unctuous" or "toothsome," I'm going to take a bag of dicks and julienne them all over your face.
15
Having a sister who is a pharmacist is good, because she texts me things like, "Hey, do you want a sticker that says 'For Rectal Use Only?"
14
I'm pretty sure most of the Pokemon's names have something to do with what I did to your mother last night. Pikachu and Squirtle, at least.
13
So...before you dress up as a sexy nurse for your boyfriend, just make sure of one thing: That his mother isn't a nurse.
12
Coworker got 30 hashbrowns from McDonalds. From the looks of the paper bag, that's how stained glass windows and diarrhea were discovered.
12
You can't please everyone. But you can please yourself on a bus full of strangers, until the cops come.
12
I just got my flu shot. Nasty side-effect. Nowhere on the description is there a side-effect that says "man-tears." There were so many.
12
I asked the receptionist if she would eat her own babies. Without batting an eye: "If I had the right salad dressing." She belongs here.
12
I admire people who have a tattoo of their own name. It takes a really honest person to publicly admit they're retarded.
12
You know what'd go great with a weekend full of beer, whiskey, and retarded amounts of food? Bulimia. And more food. And bulimia.
12
If we renamed sex into "baby times" I think we'd have less of a teen pregnancy problem. It just sounds less sexy. Er, less...baby timesy.
12
"Prepare to suck the dick of the day!" I shouted to my coworkers. Receptionist replied, "Do you think it'll call you back after that?"
12
I've got a new boss who started today. He saw the word "Erection" written on my whiteboard and started laughing. THANK YOU JESUS.
12
Tip: To have your favorites shown faster, follow @favstar