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Being a newbie I really hope this ;) is a wink, otherwise I'm sure I'm offending a lot of stroke victims.
Just spent an hour at the gym. 55 minutes trying to get paper towel out of the damn motion sensing dispenser.
Don't you love it when someone farts in exercise class, and no one knows it was you.
Truthful Tuesday - That's not really a pic of me.
That big turd came out of your ass and your worried about my little dick going in?
You should never let potential enemies know your weakness. Wish I'd kept that in mind when I told my 4 year old it hurts hitting my groin.
My kids have velcro pajamas and we have a Velcro wall, if their bad or I'm tired I throw them on the wall. 2 hour nap for me.
I'm trying to make sure that i have more tweets than followers, that way everyone gets at least one.
Why do women think it's allright to fart when I'm in the stall next to you? Would you do that shit if we were in the mens room?
I'm destined to be one of the most prolific twits..twitterists..tweats shit another dream down the f'in crapper.
I thought I had fixed my problem last night, but he showed at work this AM.........starlight star bright make a wish my ass
Me: Damn I'm funny.
Me too: Fuckin' retard
WTF it's NOT Friday? Think my boss will take "See you Monday cocksucker" as a request for a vacation day tomorrow?
waiting for the can at the gas station, big woman walks out, looks me straight in the eye and says "you might want to wait a minute" HELL NO
When I said you could shave in my shower I didn't know you'd leave it looking like someone sheared a Wookie
You know those days when you're on and funnier than a m'fer? Tell me what it's like....PLEASE
I bend but don't break............looks like it's time for more Viagra.
I used to think how hard it would be to go to work everyday, now I live it.
Is it wrong to hire midgets as servants, put everything on the highest shelf then sit back and giggle?
Apparently it is!
I could use a blow pop right now, haven't had a great sucker in a while!
Everywhere or Nowhere?
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