My five inch stilettos are too hot for these church goers.

My brother texts me this: I think I live with ninjas.... fell asleep with a house full of women wake up and they all gone lol

I can't eat bananas, lollipops or ice cream cones in mixed company. Damn you Twitter.

My staff is constantly complaining. Today they want pee breaks. I guess I shouldn't feed them so much expresso.

Once upon a time, a man did something without being asked or manipulated. And they lived happily ever after. The End.

Holy shit. I just got cable. No wonder you people never leave the house

Victoria's Secret: objects in this t-shirt may be smaller than they appear

Sometimes I wake up with a headache but most of the time I let him sleep

It makes me feel better about myself when TV advertises how cool my current phone is. That's why I keep the commercial taped on my VCR

Do NOT call me to tell me to read your email. I'm a business person not a child and am very adept at ignoring multiple forms of media

Fuck it, I'm having vodka for dinner

Everyone needs a "skinny" mirror

I am going to auto-star all tweets about Vødka or vodka. They may not be funny now but at least I will have a star theme #organized

The great thing about Twitter is when I'm really stressed about the global currency crisis I realize it's not as important as, say, Glee

Happiness is realizing you can have another glass of chardonnay cuz you're not driving

My brother still has 0 friends, 0 follows but 4 tweets - I wonder if he realizes he is talking to himself. His avi is just a gray box. lame

I still don't understand this bacon obsession. Have none of you heard of proscuitto?? #mmm

This girl is having phone sex in front of me in the line at the bank. I feel so 90s. Who waits in lines? Or talks on phones?

I'd probably get more work done if I didn't have such a freakin awesome phone.

ProTip for girls who wear stilletos and have a broken gas gauge: Always keep sneakers in your car