Ever look at your new followers & think "How'd this motherfucker even find me??"

I only date smokers. It's my way of saving myself from long winded bitching when I fuck somethin up

Not replying to me because I don't have as many followers is like making it"rain" with monopoly money.. Fucking stupid..self righteous prick

Ya know why we use words like cock & pussy? Because "Yeah baby! Shove your pee-pee in my no-no!" sounds fuckin dumb.

I can't be the only 1 who sees "do not touch" as reading "instantly pick-up & fondle until clerk has a stroke"

You're not worth a subtweet

So approaching a single MILF in McDonalds with the line "Somebody's gonna have the squirts!" went over much better in my head

Sorry skinny girls it's nothing personal! I just hate having to shake the sheet to find you. I'm sure plenty of pedo-UMM-men like you

If she can suck a dick so good you've gotta pull the bedspread outta yer ass she's a keeper

Do M&Ms become S&Ms if you choke on them?

Add hunger games to the list of shit I won't get jokes about along with harry potter & twilight tweets. I'll be watching porn..

Time to procrasturbate

Ever have the urge to stand in beauty supplies with your trolly just to scream "PUT THE LOTION IN THE GODDAMN BASKET!!" at someone

Just seen my ex. Just threw up in my mouth a little bit. That bitch still scares me

Enough of me. Go back to petting your egos.

So you're going to stand there & tell me you've never wondered what being jerked off by an octopus would feel like?

Remember ladies if your day's going too well ask your kid if you look fat in whatever you're wearing. That will fix that shit

People with upbeat,positive tweets shouldn't use geotags,it excites my inner serial killer & I see their location as a starting line

If I see you RTd on my TL,look & you have only a few followers I will follow the FUCK outta you! Breaking/sharing newbies is fun!

How disappointing would it be to find out"lick it before you stick" is postal worker slang