Listen baby, I'm sorry. It's not you, it's-a-me. MARIO! No, but seriously this relationship is over.

I hit a little girl on a tricycle, and when I got out to exchange insurance info she just laid there. It's like, come on... don't be a dick.

I'm posing nude for an art class. No one asked me to. I think they're making ceramic bowls.

I keep my friends close, but I keep my enemy's toaster... seriously, not giving that shit back.

Who's the fax machine player in Skrillex?

Mortal Kombat was responsible for so many violent attacks from people with the ability to shoot lightning out of their hands.

50 Shades of Grey, Magic Mike... what an exciting time to be a woman.

It's difficult to tell who's on meth, and who's just really excited about Walmart's everyday low prices.

What chapter of the bible has the spells?

Michael J. Fox is probably the Jimi Hendrix of the tambourine.

I want a pegasus. I don't care if I have to guide the eagle penis into the horse vagina myself.

If we're speaking literally, a sausage party sounds incredible.

Steven Tyler looks like a Real Housewife of Chernobyl.

43% of Americans don't know how to read. Even more alarming is that 79% know how to Dougie.

I emerge from the bushes way more than the average person.

A beard of bees is cool. But bees with little beards, way cooler.

My dad took me to a boxing gym when I was 13. I don't think he liked when I started using the punching bags to practice hugs.

Possible movie tagline: Would you suck your dad's dick to save his life?

Another social networking site is good and all, but when am I gonna be able to email bees to someone?

There's a vibrator called The Silver Bullet. Because making a female orgasm is equal in difficulty to killing a werewolf.