When I find myself with trapped air bubbles,
Mother Mary underneath,
Don't stop to break the rhythm,
Let it queef.
#CLSC

I thought about taking up yoga but decided to wait until BowFlex makes a machine for it. #CLSC

I'm feeling fat and sassy —
If you're cocky,
I'm cheeky!

#artwiculate

Just slip out the fat back,
Make a new flan, Stan,
Don't need to use soy, Roy

#simonandfatfunkel

I like cats because they're hedonistic & demanding & their idea of a good time is to torture & kill small creatures. Just plain good folks.

Get thee behind me, Salt 'n' Pepa, and push it. P-p-p-push it real good. #CLSC

Cream of goat soup? Again? Thou shalt not boil a kid in its mother's milk! -- Moses, probably

NO:
• Ass
• Grass
• Sheckels

#fourwordbible

Yep, I have a spirit animal. She's marinated in Jack Daniels sauce.

Chang and Eng
#NicknamesForBreasts

I'd much rather examine a man of pesto than a manifesto.
#artwiculate

Just signed up for a year of zumba lessons. By next spring my booty will be a shadow of my former pelf. #artwiculate

Ladies' Night puts the banal in bacchanalia. #artwiculate

Could you please keep your dogma from exposing its fallacy? #artwiculate

Hey Romeo, don't assume that if I'm a "cow" I must be a pushover too. #NoTipping #GonnaDrawBackANub

Roseanne was the oddest
Valiant domestic goddess,
Embodied the ridiculous
Of a panniculus.

#artwiculate
#clerihew

You say potato, I say potahto. Because I'm a pretentious fucktard.

@spergers Ewok Celebration, Treat Your Mother Right by Mr. T, The Night K.I.T.T. Saved Christmas ...

I always forget who's the top and who's the bottom. “@stair71: St Alagmite and St Alactite, the Patron Saints of spelunking. #artwiculate”

Call me a quahaug again and it'll be you riding in this bitch seat for a very long time. #artwiculate