Two of my most-starred tweets contain spelling errors or typos. People, you should expect butter from me.

I'm glad 163 new species were discovered in '08. It makes me feel better about this blue whale-panda stir-fry I'm preparing.

You know that nervous feeling you get every time you're about to slide your debit card?

No?

Fuck you.

Just when I think I can put the final nail in the coffin of behaviorism, someone gives me a star and I squeal like a little bitch.

Whatever, Jesus. If I hold my arms all the way out and up, I look skinny, too.

My sweet old nana used to say: "If you don't have anything nice to say, shut your goddamned motherfucking pie hole."

My neighbors just bought a riding lawnmower equipped with headlights. I don't like where this is going.

He may not be able to hold my hair back, but he'll clean up my vomit.

Man's best friend indeed!

With this dark blue background for my aquarium, I have a hard time seeing my black fish.

Except for when they smile.

Whoever came up with Mothers Against Drunk Driving obviously had no concept of how I want to do the opposite of whatever my mother wants.

If I die young, please ensure my tombstone reads: "An unexpected error occured." If I'm old, then: "Operation timed out." #MacabreMonday

They don't teach you in school, but you find out in college, that the 1st steps to writing a paper are shaving, cleaning the house and TV.

I may be "evolved", but I'm not above using my toenails for self-defense in bed. Or to mark my territory with my scent, for that matter.

I'd love a job where I could work with my hands.

Probably my best bet is to search Craigslist for hand jobs.

In my moment of death, when my life flashes before my eyes, I hope it's not in landscape mode. Cuz I hate that.

Sometimes I think tweeting is like auditioning for the job of Satan's jester.

Attention New Followers:

Hahaha. Who am I kidding?

As you were, you two.

Coming out, Twitter-style.

"Ohai, tweeps. I like girls. And by girls, I mean boys. Not a euphemism. Amirite? Don't unfollow me! Ladies."

Anybody know where I can find an online community of enablers?

Oh, wait.

Nevermind.

I had a mouthful of pills when I sneezed. One came out my nose. Do I try swallowing it again, or shove it back in my nose? #dilemma