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There's always that one guy that comments "beautiful" on a pic of a semi pretty girl after I commented, "I'd love to fuck your mouth"
Loser
For the record, you will never see me lying about anything in my tweets. They are all based on factual events that I make up in my head.
Every day that goes by makes me regret not pushing you into the rapids on our honeymoon
Just because all she gave you was a handjob doesn't mean you didn't have a sexual encounter with a tranny.
Bought my 3 yr old his big boy bed today.He rolled off and woke up crying. I walked in and told him to MAN THE FUCK UP YOU'RE A BIG BOY NOW!
When a woman has a new lover, she paints the ex as the worse man ever.
Shhhhh, just give me some pussy. You talk to much.
Blah blah blah vagina. Blah blah blah squirts. Blah blah blah swallow. Now, give me my fucking trophy.
~you, you and you
My 12 yr old son just made me drive all the way back to BK because they forgot to put bacon in his burger.
NO PATERNITY TEST NEEDED.
Ex wife's new b/f brags to me last night that he's in her top 3 lays. Guess who's number one asshole.
If you're not first you're last.
Unless you have a 6ft USB entension chord for your iPhone charger, you're not doing twitter right.
Guys that rock the thin mustache might as well just tattoo it on like a Mexican girl in East LA does her eyebrows.
Hairy Lip-Liner stache
I hadn't shit in 3 days. So at 11:11 I made a wish like ppl on social media do. It's 11:19 and HOLY SHIT AM I SHITTING!!!!
Your desperate cries for attention will not be.....
Wait, what? Okay, I'll be right over.
FUCK!
FUCK YOU!
Can someone RT this so the people who unfollowed me in these last few days can see it. Thanks in advance.
Do all the crunches and lifting you want. Funny trumps abs every time. So fuck you, douche with the sculpted muscles.
My bio is a hazard. Instagram: mr_fav_asshole
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