Dad said I need to be the rock for a friend who is having a tough time. Currently practicing that eyebrow thing & wrestling moves.

I'm going to make you fish and chips you can't refuse. http://t.co/i0q778LV

Brushed my teeth with hand cream this morning. Gonna be a good day.

How has your day been? Oh I just fed mother friggin giraffes and monkeys!

Young girls these days look like they've just fallen out their mums vajayjays, grabbed a Smirnoff ice & got punched with makeup & glitter.

People who don't lick yogurt pot lids are weird human beings and frankly not the type of people I want in my life.

I'm going to post "Today is the day Marty Mcfly arrives when he travels to the future" on Facebook everyday until I lose all my friends.

Second round of Oktoberfest coming up! Watch out ladies.

Friends constantly getting married/ having babies while I've been stood here for 15min in front of the mirror attempting the rocks eyebrow.

Speed bumps were invented so you'd pee yourself en route.

I'm going to see 'Breaking Dawn'. This is my suicide note.

Just heard 'Swagger Jagger' by Cher Lloyd. What's the quickest most effective way to kill yourself?

The amount of napkins some food places give away is crazy, it's like they think you're going to have a wank with your meal.

"I can count the amount of close friends I have on my legs" -real cocky centipede.

Dick Tater Chips

Going to draw a face on my hand and kiss it at midnight.

I'm excited to have kids because I get to think up the weirdest names for penis & vagina that will work there way into normal family vocab.

I often play the game, Dad or teenage girl that has hacked my dads account pic.twitter.com/h4m88tap

To the first person that spoke into a fan and found out about the robot voice, let's be friends.

@jamiethekyle Merry Christmas from Eden and Faye http://t.co/gQKe6knO