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Me: Why is it called taint AND chode?
Husband: Because penis and dick. That's why. #reallifeconversation
Spilling rice down my bra and being too exhausted to get it is the best way to explain how my day is going. #sunday
If you're not offering ice cream or a basket of kittens, go away.
I'm trying out 'murder by dirty looks' today. Next person to interrupt this love affair with my english muffin is getting it.
The only thing stopping me from slyly peeing in a cup under this table in this never ending mtg is the fact that I've recently had asparagus
I think a pretty good indicator of being a crazy bitch is having eyebrows shaped like tadpoles.
Hey adults with tinkerbell stickers on your car: WTF
Guess what's 2' long and WON'T LET ME TAKE A FUCKING SECOND TO EAT.
I feel like everyday is Earth Day on account of how I never flush my pee.
Just put my crying infant to sleep with Skrillex. #dubstepbaby