Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
Potatoes taste like uncooked french fries.
Every guy wishes he had boobs until he gets them.
I hate television. I miss shows like "M.A.S.H." and "Cop Rock".
If you leave the mouse in the trap, it scares off the rest.
I'm so cold I could ejaculate Dippin' Dots.
I do regular testicular exams looking for lumps in the shower. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
The garbage men have to hate me. I'm not going into details.
I don't have nightmares, I give them.
Note to Self: From now on when my girl wakes up and says "Fuck me" I need to pay more attention to her inflection.
An uncircumcised penis is like a dick with his collar flipped up.
Gave a heroin addict a box of plastic spoons.
I just burped and it tasted like fried chicken and sausage. This must be what it's like to be a Kardashian.
I think I may have fucked over karma in a previous life.
I'm wondering how many of you are reading this while you're driving? Don't make me an accessory to your stupidity.
"I'll bet you $20 you can't run backwards on my treadmill for 2 minutes. Here I'll hold your beer..." - moment the evening went to hell
Before YouTube allowed comments on videos, where did people let out their frustrations?
I want to interrogate a suspect. I watch too much tv.
My ex gave back my balls this morning in exchange for her dick.
NOTE TO SELF: before saying things like "where's my sunglasses?" or "where's my cell?" check face & make sure I'm not currently on my phone.
My mom just called. I told her she had the wrong number. I feel guilty now for laughing. Hopefully she won't call back.