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My panic room is in my head.
The original selfie stick was called an arm.
I will be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Nobel till 3pm or until I'm removed by security.
Full out front porch brawl. We both spilled a little blood and lost a tooth or two. In the end I bought 2 boxes of thin mints.
It's called binge drinking until you set up a tent. Then it's called camping.
Nothing gets me out of Jury Duty like my Westboro Baptist Church tee shirt does.
Thanks Transvaginal Mesh Lawsuit commercial. If not for you my 6 year old and I would have had nothing uncomfortable to talk about tonight.
The only reason I don't run some people over is because my deductible is high.
They should rename the "check in" feature on Facebook the "this would be a great time to rob my house" feature.
It's a bad idea to use your shake weight in the front seat of your car. ESPECIALLY if you're parked by a school.
Booze greases the wheels of poor decision.
I never hate someone because of their religion, race or sexual preference. I hate people for their stupidity, ignorance and music choices.
Drink, laugh, cry, hate, repeat.
Hey, you only said not to pee in the pool.
I'm a human honey badger.
Always treat your enemies with kindness, this way you won't be on the suspect list when they disappear.
I always win at rock, paper, scissors, sucker punch.
If you followed me and I didn't follow you back I apologize. I either missed it or I read your timeline and you're a moron.
The worst part of being divorced is......um....well.. Let me get back to you on that.
My panic room is in my head
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