Now that Iran shot a monkey into space, who is running the country?

My panic room is in my head.

Full out front porch brawl. We both spilled a little blood and lost a tooth or two. In the end I bought 2 boxes of thin mints.

Thanks Transvaginal Mesh Lawsuit commercial. If not for you my 6 year old and I would have had nothing uncomfortable to talk about tonight.

I will be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Nobel till 3pm or until I'm removed by security.

It's a bad idea to use your shake weight in the front seat of your car. ESPECIALLY if you're parked by a school.

They should rename the "check in" feature on Facebook the "this would be a great time to rob my house" feature.

I never hate someone because of their religion, race or sexual preference. I hate people for their stupidity, ignorance and music choices.

I always win at rock, paper, scissors, sucker punch.

When one pair of legs closes, another opens...

Nothing gets me out of Jury Duty like my Westboro Baptist Church tee shirt does.

I like to kill people with kindness. What did you name your sledge hammer?

If you think clowns are creepy now, wait till after one rapes you.

I bet stubbing your camel toe hurts.

The Honey Boo Boo family are the only known surviving Cabbage Patch Kids.

Babysitter told me my 6 year old called her an asshole today. Naturally I asked if she was being an asshole.

I heard Bank of America charges you a $10 fee if you look at their tellers tits during a transaction now.

I have a hard time recognizing when a girl is wearing granny panties because Grandma never wore any.

Your mamas so ugly they hang a picture of her in the apehouse at the zoo so the gorillas don't jerk off.

The funny part is that ultimately the guy that can "handle you" is the only guy you'll deserve.