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Now that Iran shot a monkey into space, who is running the country?
My panic room is in my head.
I will be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Nobel till 3pm or until I'm removed by security.
Full out front porch brawl. We both spilled a little blood and lost a tooth or two. In the end I bought 2 boxes of thin mints.
Nothing gets me out of Jury Duty like my Westboro Baptist Church tee shirt does.
Thanks Transvaginal Mesh Lawsuit commercial. If not for you my 6 year old and I would have had nothing uncomfortable to talk about tonight.
They should rename the "check in" feature on Facebook the "this would be a great time to rob my house" feature.
It's a bad idea to use your shake weight in the front seat of your car. ESPECIALLY if you're parked by a school.
I never hate someone because of their religion, race or sexual preference. I hate people for their stupidity, ignorance and music choices.
I'm a human honey badger.
I always win at rock, paper, scissors, sucker punch.
If you followed me and I didn't follow you back I apologize. I either missed it or I read your timeline and you're a moron.
When one pair of legs closes, another opens...
I like to kill people with kindness. What did you name your sledge hammer?
If you think clowns are creepy now, wait till after one rapes you.
If you keep blowing all that sunshine up my ass, I'm gonna yawn a rainbow.
I bet stubbing your camel toe hurts.
The Honey Boo Boo family are the only known surviving Cabbage Patch Kids.
Babysitter told me my 6 year old called her an asshole today. Naturally I asked if she was being an asshole.
Always treat your enemies with kindness, this way you won't be on the suspect list when they disappear.
My panic room is in my head
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