Bad things happen to good people, so I'm pretty sure we're all safe

All women are crazy. Find one that's crazy about you & keep her that way!

So, these are the panties I'm willing to go to jail in? -My last thought before I leave the house.

Yes I am aware that my TL is 90% RTs but I'm also aware everyone elses shit is 100x funnier than mine

Why is it the less money someone makes the better they are at reproducing?

If there's anything I teach my daughter it will be to not ignore the nerds. Those people grow up to be sexy as fuck!

If it weren't for twitter I wouldn't know what it feels like to go unnoticed.


Just kidding, I'm married. I know exactly how that feels.

Men do realize they're only a few guitar lessons away from potentially getting laid. Every. Night. Of. The. Week. Right?

5 Tips for women to ensure an orgasm:

1. Do it yourself
2. Do it yourself
3. Do it yourself
4. Do it yourself
5. Do it yourself

My bed is so much more comfortable when I'm not supposed to be in it

I have to make a wide variety of mistakes before I can decide which ones I want to learn from.

I am much less afraid of jail when I'm drunk.

We aren't friends until you start taking responsibility for my actions

I guess I am just not a big fan of shutting the fuck up

Say what you want about Kim Kardashian, but I'm jealous she can eat ice cream as fast as she wants and not worry about getting brain freeze!

I'm white but I'm not "root for the cowboys" white.

You can't call me sunshine and then expect me to understand the world doesn't revolve around me.

Killed a spider without screaming so I'm pretty sure I'm about to get elected as the next Secretary of Defense.

If there's one thing I'm good at I'm completely unaware of what it is

I've probably enlarged your avi more times than I'll admit