Whenever I make really good eye contact with a dog, I assume we were lovers in a past life.

I like to pretend that Quinoa is just tiny alien eggs.

Beards are a trick. They say "I will build you a fuck cabin!" but mean "I will design you an illustrated print of a fuck cabin."

Sometimes when listening to rapid Spanish, I swear I can hear them use both exclamation points in the sentence.

Cab is booked for 1PM. I love the future.

I put an earbud in my belly button. Hope you like listening to stuff in mono, little fetus.

#ToMyUnbornChild Thanks for all the through-belly high fives.

Sometimes you have to read the room before you start talking shit about juggalos.

Can I get an epidural for sore feet?

Forgot to wear deoderant, so I'm considering a quick whore's bath with my purse whiskey before my doctor's appointment tonight.

The baby is teething, so I'm rubbing whiskey on my gums.

The baby is singing along to The Clash.

Yes, I wiped guacamole off my kid's face with a tortilla chip and ate it before I even knew what I was doing.

Injured myself pulling up my pants. Lesson learned, universe. No more pants.

"You never see Princess Diana anymore. What's she up to?" My dad, being totally serious.

Text from husband "Gotta finish up time sheets then I can come home to kill you and eat chorizo!" Hoping that's autocorrect.

I feel like I should be naming the things that I cough up and establishing local governments for them.

Now the big question: Do I fit under my desk? Gonna hide for a bit.

A castle documentary narrated by Leonard Nemoy at one am get on my level guys.

The least plausible part of Twister is that no one had to stop tornado chasing to poop weird after all that steak gravy and 90s diner coffee