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Don’t judge me because I sin differently than you do.
The past, the present and the future all walked into a bar.
It was tense.
Shaving pubic hair into the shape of the bat symbol sounds much easier than it really is.
Show a girl you don’t care and she’ll chase you.
Show a woman you don’t care and she’ll replace you.
Those girls you follow because they have great tits in their avi are the same ones you’d never follow if you saw their face. Or penis.
I'd rather bathe in gas, lick it off, set a match to my tongue, breathe fire upon myself, then roll in barbwire before I watch Twilight
Top 3 things girls want in a man:
Top 3 things guys want in a girl:
1. Their dick
2 & 3. Refer to number 1
Star a tweet? Bet you like masturbating.
Retweet? Bet you appreciate gang bangs.
Manual retweet? You have no clue how to get someone off.
If you haven’t had at least one tweet stolen you probably suck.
If I see a retweet that says “RT if you want 500 new followers” w/20 hashtags: I’ll block you, kick your cat, and burn your house down.
Girls, I don’t care how “cute” you think your new pedicure is, nobody wants to see pictures of your fucking feet.
Knock that shit off.
I remember when ATM stood for “Automated Teller Machine.”
I bet there’s a lot of anal in Twitter jail.
Need more lighting in this club so I can see which strippers have stretch marks. I wanna give em a lil somethin extra b/c, Happy Mothers Day
If you never dry humped your Care Bear as a kid, then you’re an idiot for not taking advantage of how caring they really are.
That awkward moment when you’re too tired to rub one out, but you’re too horny to go to sleep.
You're from Canada?
Romo IS playing with a bruised hand. That's gotta hurt worse than the time he put his tampon in his ass instead of his vag. #Perspective
That awkward moment when you go up to grab the mic after a girl is done singing because you think it’s karaoke, but she’s actually the act.
Adventurer. Geek. Smartass. NSFW. Obsessed w/ Batman, my Jeep, sports, and Chef Gordon Ramsay's fury. May the force be with you. (unless you're an asshole)