I go onto FB and it's all puppies, kittens & rainbows. I get onto twitter and it's all chainsaws, blowjobs & titty fucks. You guys rock!

I just got attacked by a spider. And by attacked, I mean it was just sitting there minding its own business. Anyway, it's dead now.

Don't be sorry you pulled my hair. Be sorry you pulled it like a little fucking girl.

If you love someone,set them free.If they don't come back,you should probably call them up one night when you're drunk.They'll love that.

What's a nice boy like you doing in a girl like me?

My vagina thinks you're cute.

Ohmygod, I'm so cold. And my nipples won't shut the fuck up about it either.

I'm gonna make cards that say "YOU PARK LIKE A CUNT" and leave 'em on cars that are parked like cunts. Watch this space.

It feels a little go fuck yourself-ish today.

If you're feeling down today, never forget that you are somebody's reason to masturbate. There. Don't you feel better about yourself now?

My credit card was just declined THREE times. Which is ridiculous, because I'm fucking loaded.

Related: Send cash.

Dance like no one is watching, tweet like no one is reading and take up the whole fucking bed like you're single.

The only dirty thing about me, is my mind. And maybe some of my sexual positions. Okay, all of them. Okay, and my mouth.

Amazing how a pair of sunglasses can make even the ugliest motherfucker look like you'd wanna fuck him.

My jeans are so tight today, you can see my ovaries.

I get so excited when I see you, my bra un-hooks itself.

True story.

Don't tell me what I can and cannot do, because, fuck you, I'll do what and who I want. Glad we had this chat.

I'll drink you, tea. But I just want you to know that I'll be thinking of coffee the whole time.

Apparently it's rude to yell out, "FIVE SECOND RULE!" when someone drops their kid.

Him: "Can I give you a tip?"
Me: "Not really. I'd prefer the whole thing."