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I wish Judy Blume had written a book on how to be an adult.
I call toes "feet teeth"
My Mom is coming to visit today so my girlfriend is baking cookies & I'm picking up the sex toys from the yard.
Every time an email gets bounced back to me and I get the Mailer-Daemon message I for one second think it's an email from Matt Damon
Remember when $20 felt like $100? Now $20 feels like a $1.
I wish there was more to say on a blind date other than... "I like your tits and stuff."
Breaking a mirror isn't bad luck if you hate your reflection.
You ever pull your butt cheeks apart so a fart comes out like a whisper instead of a scream and then a far away dog howls? Science is crazy
No, I DIDN'T say I wanted Frozen Yogurt. I said I wanted Frozen GREEK Yogurt, Jaden!!!!
SHUT THE FUCK UP! I need to listen carefully, as the menu options may have changed.
I now have UNLIMITED INTERNET.
Yes, I’d like blue cheese on my steak, if you please. And on my potatoes. And on my broccoli. And sprayed in my mouth like a firehose.
Seriously, Nabisco, Watermelon Oreos? Are you TRYING to get some low-level Republican functionary fired for a racist joke email?
National emergency: Keanu Reeves hasn't written a memoir titled "Whoa Is Me" yet.
Can I eat granola legally if I've never gone hiking
Summer tip for dogs: kill your owner and steal a bike and ride down a steep hill really fast to stay cool when it's hot
I'm in Anthropologie. Or an old lady's closet. I DON'T KNOW.
raise your hand if you're a string cheese biter okay now use it to punch yourself in the dick you deranged piece of shit
Kiss Mommy's cold sore and make it better! http://FilthyRichmond.com #RVA #Ratchmond