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I just drunkenly kissed a NYC taxi driver cuz i mistook his tree car-freshner for mistletoe
a gif of my parents getting divorced
Her: Where are you rushing off to? You have a hot date?
Me: No, she's a 7 on a good day.
"I created a sauce. It's really hot. What should I call it?"
"Uh hot sauce?"
"Gary you've done it again. Here are my keys. Go fuck my wife"
Hey want to stand under a poisonous plant and swirl mouth meat to celebrate the birth of a 2,000 year old Jew magician?
Man, I hate when someone uses the wrong fork to steal my kidney.
Sorry I only date models! It's what I'm into! If your face isn't printed on some glossy paper, I literally cannot fuck you. Just snaps shut.
Things are going really great for me right now; I just googled "Best way to reheat a McChicken".
I feel sick, and all I want to do is go to sleep somewhere dark and quiet, like at one of your birthday parties.
Dear Sony Hackers,
So....What can you do about the Kardashians???
Clearly the dispute between He-Man and Skeleton goes back to when one of them stole the other one's personal trainer.
LIFE TIP: If your boyfriend tries to hide the engagement ring in any food other than pizza, say "No."
The hardest part of being sober is trying to explain it to your grandfather
I lost my job as a College Professor because I graded the girls on a curve.
Still just kind of reveling in being named one of the top Tweeters in 2012.