I wish Judy Blume had written a book on how to be an adult.

I call toes "feet teeth"

My Mom is coming to visit today so my girlfriend is baking cookies & I'm picking up the sex toys from the yard.

Every time an email gets bounced back to me and I get the Mailer-Daemon message I for one second think it's an email from Matt Damon

Remember when $20 felt like $100? Now $20 feels like a $1.

For real though... pic.twitter.com/IxMfPK6hgg

I wish there was more to say on a blind date other than... "I like your tits and stuff."

Breaking a mirror isn't bad luck if you hate your reflection.

You ever pull your butt cheeks apart so a fart comes out like a whisper instead of a scream and then a far away dog howls? Science is crazy

No, I DIDN'T say I wanted Frozen Yogurt. I said I wanted Frozen GREEK Yogurt, Jaden!!!!

SHUT THE FUCK UP! I need to listen carefully, as the menu options may have changed.

I had a really funny chat with @bobbyleelive for his @youtube web series! Watch here:  http://bit.ly/14IJYgJ 

I now have UNLIMITED INTERNET.

Yes, I’d like blue cheese on my steak, if you please. And on my potatoes. And on my broccoli. And sprayed in my mouth like a firehose.

Seriously, Nabisco, Watermelon Oreos? Are you TRYING to get some low-level Republican functionary fired for a racist joke email?

National emergency: Keanu Reeves hasn't written a memoir titled "Whoa Is Me" yet.

Can I eat granola legally if I've never gone hiking

Summer tip for dogs: kill your owner and steal a bike and ride down a steep hill really fast to stay cool when it's hot

I'm in Anthropologie. Or an old lady's closet. I DON'T KNOW.

raise your hand if you're a string cheese biter okay now use it to punch yourself in the dick you deranged piece of shit