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If Beyonce told me to kill someone I would do it immediately
Called animal services/police on my neighbor, who I witnessed strike his dog over 20 times. The policed came and warned him. Rough day
What's the difference between lighting a fart and trusting your personal data to "the Cloud"? You can light a fart.
Walks into closet.
Sees 8 crew neck sweatshirts.
"Oh right, this is why I'll never get laid again."
Sets up Nintendo.
Duck Hunt all night.
I’m not an ass man. I’m an ass, man.
Writing status: cleaning the bath
One advantage of eating at Subway is cheese options. They even have fancy ones like provolone, and "Monterey Jeff."
1 out of 4 people in LA consider catching up on Serial "having a job."
Imagine Taylor Swift... with Kim K's ass...
Rape is a much bigger problem than people lying about being raped. Let's keep that in mind.
I am slowly degrading Uber's entire fleet one fart at a time.
Spoiler Alert: The MILLION DOLLAR ARM ends up being the thing in Jon Hamm's pants.
White Castle is there for when you say "It's 3:47am--I wonder what forty burgers prepared in a Turkish bathhouse would taste like."
I mean, ask yourself why you seek the Cup Of Christ. Is it for His glory, or for yours?
Raise your kids right, dammit: teach them to air-play along to rock-saxophone solos.
It would be a shame to have a body like this and not sin.
Girl you must be a pomegranate because I don't know what to do with you.