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I can never trust any woman whose name is mentioned in Mambo No. Five.
me: i dont even care if they cancel sports
howard stern: Thats wild
I see no reason why Tila Tequila hasn't been granted a prominent appellate court judgeship yet.
Of all my brain cells, why did I have to destroy the few I actually used.
For a book filled with murder, incest, bigotry, suicide, and sex with animals, the Bible sure is impenetrably boring.
put away your dick and go make me a sandwich
Maybe it's the liberal elitist in me, but I miss the America that didn't give a fuck what a shitbird rancher from Hee-Haw County thought.
Leave me alone, I'm carb-loading.
*cracks open 18th beer*
girl i wanna suck on your ped-egg
Hello, darkness my old friend. I...What? No, I'm not calling to ask for money. Look, just put mom on, will you?
Flo Rida is my 7th favorite rapper and my 1st favorite nickname for the guy banging the Progressive Insurance lady
Are these "chocolate diamonds" I'm seeing advertised an actual thing? 'Cuz they look like crystal turds.
Anyone want to come over and fry stuff?
Who the hell has time to unwrap candy these days?
I'm on Delta. (promoted) they're motto is Delta is ready when you are. Whoa! Easy there, I'm just getting over my break up with United!
If you want to feel awe at the genius of man, visit the Louvre. Or sniff a cinnamon roll.
Some people have tennis elbow
Other have swimmers ear
I have spinning labia
I'm trying to become more environmentally responsible. Despite what they say about men with a small carbon footprint.
Cliven Bundy has the worst Throwback Thursdays.