Phil & I just had a 3-way with a watermelon.

The butcher says I'm in my prime.

I like to eat those little islands that grow on top of a week-old glass of soda.

That fart smelled like a fire at the diarrhea factory.

Keep your clients on their toes by calling the women "Sir" and the men "Slut".

Richmond hits Frederick "Toots" Hibbert of Toots & the Maytals in the head with an empty bottle, our highest honor.

I'd rather huff bleach & ammonia than smell cologne on balls.

I'm getting a butler so I can say cool things like "I'll take my steak biscuit on the toilet today."

It's always flattering when a driver slows down to watch me pick up dog crap.

If you don't buy Kraft Singles by the 4 lb box then maybe America isn't right for you.

The best part of sex is basking in the afterfarts.

It's true what they say: rats will bite the shit out of an unattended baby left in her car seat near a storm drain.

Food courts are great 'cause you can hand people pretty much anything on a toothpick and they'll eat it no questions asked

Sorry, I can't go out tonight. Gotta stay in and work on my personal brand.

Dance Moms should've been a hidden camera show where moms dance in public while their children stare in horror.

Our company has gone 300 days without an accident if you don't count the hot stain soaking through my pants.

If the Powerball reaches a billion dollars Suze Orman will die.

Oh we're talking about your tattoos now? Cool just give me a second to get myself psyched up.

Angelina Jolie to have Jennifer Aniston's breasts removed.

Bad news is easier to take if a fat guy walks in right after and cuts one.