Jesus, take the wheel. Muhammad, work the gas pedal. Buddha, hold my legs while I flash my fat tits out the sun roof.

"Right now I'm couch surfing." - guy who smells like all the farts

I peeked in my chart at the gynecologist's and it just said "Green eggs and ham".

Oh we're talking about your tattoos now? Cool just give me a second to get myself psyched up.

It's called Dress Barn because everyone in there looks like they got kicked by horse.

If you love something, let it go to the bathroom on your chest.

Starbucks should have a separate line for people who don't know what they want or how the world works.

Sometimes I'd like to just spin a globe, point my finger to some random place, then go to dinner at my neighborhood Applebee's.

Parenting tip: Most schools and daycares are BYOB.

Celebrating 4/20 is for teenagers. I'll be getting day drunk like an adult.

"I got yer Fresh Fit Meal right here!" *gestures to giant hoagie stuck halfway in my poon hole*

Cold Stone Creamery's portion sizes: "Like It", "Love It", "Gotta Have It", and new "Kill Me With It I'm A Human Pig".

I can piss in a car's gas tank without spilling a drop.

When was the last time one of you so-called Christians sucked the dirt off a homeless man's dick.

The cashier at McDonald's was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby's bottle.

If you wanna be my lover, you gotta peel off my Depends.

It smells like Lena Dunham just walked naked through here.

My son was so tired and bitchy this morning he didn't even notice when I dropped him off at the wrong school. April Fools, Punk!

Kevin Federline is blowing a burp in his girlfriend's face.

Our toddler didn't want to visit the Easter Bunny but I needed a photo of him crying in terror for my Facebook.