TO DO:

1. fuck around until I'm late
2. rush

I used to hate stupid people until I learned how to take advantage of them.

You know for the amount of money my daughter's dance classes cost she should be able to do more than spin around like a fucking retard.

Technically only one person should know the first rule of Fight Club.

Halfway through church I turn around and ask the crowd, "So when the hell does the molestation start?"

Someone just tweeted something not about boobs. I will explain Twitter to him.

I think it's bullshit how the government spies on us. Hold on, I have to post this picture of my vagina on the internet.

Without retweets I would be following like 20 people. I think you should retweet the fuck out of everyone.

Don't flatter yourself. Guys will fuck anything.

After the third sneeze you can go to hell.

Chuck E Cheeses is where a kid can be a kid. My house is where you can shut the fuck up and shut the fuck up some more.

They should have a couples gameshow where the guy says something and the girl has to not interrupt or contradict for the whole half hour.

Let's see the Bible get to the point in 140 characters.

Every rose has its thorn
Just like every Walmart has a muffin top yoga pants hydrogen peroxide blonde blocking the one item you need. Move.

If you're not losing followers you're not doing something right.

Bitch about the price of gas as you drive to get your $4.25 latte.

Let me get this straight... you sit on your ass and watch tv and facebook for hours but you can't lay on your back for 10 minutes for me?

It was pornos that taught me some women move and made noises during sex.

In an hour and a half I'm causing a power outage :)

When problems arise people are shocked. What the fuck do you expect? We are living on a planet populated with complete fucking morons.