Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
Whoever started the RIP Justin Bieber rumour is sick.
It's not right to get people's hopes up like that.
Somewhere out there, a neurotic chicken wants to cross the road but is paralyzed by the knowledge that everyone will question his motives.
My mate hates it when I put his chocolate bars in other chocolate bar wrappers.
It gets his Snickers in a Twix.
My Apollogies to anyone I offend with my moon jokes.
If someone asks you to spell "Part A" backwards, don't do it.
It's a trap.
Right I think that'll do for tonight I'm off to bed.
Please do not disturb me.
I'm disturbed enough already.
It never rains but it pours.
I'm not a pessimist, I'm Scottish.
I walked into a restaurant.
"Is my table ready?"
"Not yet sir. Do you mind waiting?"
"No, that's ok."
"Great, take these to table six then."
My mate said to me earlier "I challenge you to count 86400 seconds."
I said "Fuck off, that'll take me all day!"
Many people ask me why I'm so quiet all the time.
Well, you can't really plan a killing spree out loud can you.
Anyone else think these winds are worse than #hurricanebawbag ?
I am capable of breaking things equally, with both hands.
I'm sure my farmer neighbour is a heroine addict but getting the evidence is like finding a needle in a haystack.
You know when you walk into a room and forget why you went in there?
That's God playing Sims, he just cancelled your action.
The level of pollution in the world is intolerable.
Today I opened a can of sardines to find it was full of oil and all the fish were dead.
Oblivion condoms - for those who say... Geronimo!
Vuvuzela (n): The most annoying piece of musical plastic since Michael Jackson.
New Miley Cyrus DVD: £15
Tub of Vaseline: £3
XL Box of Tissues: £2
The look of disgust on the cashier's face as you pay:
What to say...? M22 sarcastic moron with a lot of spare time. But hey, at least I ain't bullshitin you.