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I've never been skydiving, but I've zoomed in on Google Earth really really fast.
China has really impressed me in the Olympics. They use the same person for every event.
Where my hoes at? - Gangsta fireman
The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
Cutting myself shaving isn’t too painful but it’s really hard to stick the bits of toilet paper to my balls.
If how I like my coffee reflects how I like my women, then in my lap while I scream for medical attention, apparently.
Using the old "I can't hear you, I'm driving in to a tunnel" while talking to your boss doesn't work if you're both in the same elevator.
Revenge is a dish best served in a rush, when no one around is familiar with the Heimlich maneuver.
All my coworkers are having fruit breaks. I didn't bring a fruit, so I'll just go hang with the gay guy in the reception.
To is International Women's Day AND Fat Tuesday. There's a joke to be had somewhere in there, but ain't sayin' it.
Everyone always wants to know if I ever quit drinking. The answer is yes, in the shower, because only pussies need their liquor watered down
I'm having a chef over for dinner. I bet it will be like having sex with a porn star. Chanses to impress are slim to none.
If you ever get caught sleeping on the job... slowly raise your head and say, "In Jesus name, amen,"
GOD DAMN it looks so fucking hot when chicks shave off their eyebrows and then draw them back on with a sharpie!!
No ma'am, I don't think you're ugly. Now, again, please show me on this rubber chicken where this alledged man touched you.
According to the sadistic weathermen, not only is over a foot of snow coming, I have to fear water damage from the lake.
Fuck you Al Gore!