@ohwonka You aim 95% of your tweets at high schoolers, you must have such a witty and clever audience

Are you going to call a timeout on this press conference or did you use all of them in the first quarter? #Askasu

Everytime I return a rental car (several times a month) they are always thrilled I didn't do things like leave Shrimp in it. Ppl are f'd up

@azizansari You should read some @ replies to see how all of Pittsburgh is begging you to do an improv show with @creamstain while here

1 big takeaway from SNL so far. JAY Pharaoh IS FINALLY DOING OBAMA!!!!!!

@sportspickle And if the boxers weren't getting paid but their managers got 100% of the profits

It's cool to think how I just started doing a new hobby last year for fun and now am performing in NY and at the CLO in the same week

Shirt that I bought last week already doesn't fit thanks to a week in Hershey

I see the bad jokes people make at you @azizansari and I get why you don't read replies, but you should not ignore @creamstain 2 days left

Has anyone told @azizansari that @creamstain was named best trio @ the 2012 SCIT awards? How can he not do an improv set with award winners?

Thanks to @kenricekdka for helping midseason replacement win outstanding new group at the @steelcityimprov awards pic.twitter.com/XYSwtqbMNh

High school stoners making fun of fat people while in Taco Bell. I want to tell them one day they'll look like me

"Ben Affleck, you the bomb in phantoms!"

3 hours in, I figure only about 25 more minutes until I finally have the entire @nicknashley wedding invitation open

My mom went on linkedin and endorsed every skill I have listed, so ball is in your court potential employers.

@pittscriptlogo Always hated that, makes the Pete look dumb on TV to people who don't know about Pitt basketball

If you elbow drop someone and don't slap your elbow first I don't even know you

The Malcolm in the Middle episode "Hal's Birthday" is just about as good as Breaking Bad's "51" His wife may actually be crazier

Looks like Pitt will fit right in with the ACC

I enjoy when there is a tweet about Pitt and @pantherlair @fearthestache @pittscript and @oaklandzoo all RT it then RT each other RTing it