My new goal in life is to inspire a hot man to post a "missed connections" ad on Craig's List.

The best way to avoid obsessively checking gmail to see if he has replied is to not send the psycho message out in the first place.

How do I avoid one of those "need coffee" tweets when the only thing on my mind is how much I need coffee? Not tweeting would be an option.

If I say we ought to meet in the restroom for a quick fuck, he'll say yes. Since I'll definitely regret it, I probably shouldn't suggest it.

My form-fitting tee-shirt made me feel I was a baboon shaking my fertile rear in everyone's face.

Listen. If you are short or skinny, you'll have to be really blunt and provide palpable proof you're attracted to me to be considered.

Could I ever have sex with a man who wears high-waisted polyester pants with pleats? I struggle with this issue daily.

Been one of those gotta-poop-every-time-I-sit-down-to-pee days. #tmituesday

My bum hole feels like it's had a lot going on but nothing out of the ordinary has been happening near it all day. #burning #tmituesday

Seeing an anonymous hard cock isn't offensive. It's those requests for someone "to cuddle with" in a personals ad that make me want to hurl.

So happy to finally have a child who does that "bum in the air" super-cute baby sleeping position thing.

It took me several minutes to realize my left hand had traveled into my right bra cup and was nuzzling warmly 'round my breast. #tmituesday

D'oh! Who covered this no-tweeting wagon with banana peels??!?!??!?!?!

Not much refreshing about sweat under long hanging breasts.

RT @awryone: Walmart's philosophical motto should be "At What Cost, Savings?"

Sex schmex. The only thing I need to find to make my life complete is a really, really nice and effective letter opener.

Just opened my legs to cross them and I swear to god the scent of really great dark roasted coffee wafted up. #tmituesday

It was a puzzle, so I had to solve it. The answer? "Show me your tits."

Sometimes I break up a paragraph only because I want to see more white space. I blogged: "anonymwhoo?" http://goo.gl/b/MtxX

Something just scared the stink out of a skunk just below my window.